Saisha D.
Photography by Mina Derebail
If you’re reading this, know that you are worthy and valued.
Most people who know me can probably associate me with constantly being worried or stressed. This is because I have struggled with anxiety for the longest time, to the point where it has become a natural part of my everyday life. It took me until college to truly understand that the way my brain functioned and the thoughts I had were all due to my feelings of anxiety and depression. I honestly don’t know how to adequately describe the state of mind. It is hard talking about anxiety and depression symptoms when it's just a feeling that I experience. However, I will try my best to depict these thoughts.
Ever since sixth grade, I have struggled with body image issues. I have always been the “bigger” friend and was often criticized for my body appearance by my peers and relatives. As a 12-year-old, I was asked if I “enjoyed being so big” when, in reality, I was a perfectly healthy weight for someone of that age. Thus, I began to hate my appearance and compared myself to everyone around me who was “skinnier.” I constantly worried about how people perceived me and automatically assumed that people hated me due to my appearance. This was just the start of my mental health decline. As I grew older, these feelings manifested into thoughts of unworthiness. I felt that no one in my life truly appreciated me, and I began my journey of self-hatred. My social anxiety significantly increased, and I kept thinking that my friends and family did not want to be around me.
When I entered my first year of college, I was incredibly happy to be surrounded by a new environment and get a fresh start. While I would call myself introverted, I became super extroverted during my first weeks of college by making many new friends and truly feeling like I was finally on the right track in life. For the first time in a while, I felt valued and appreciated by my peers. However, my feelings of anxiety and depression continued to rise two months into college when a close friend underwent a life-threatening mental health crisis and two months after that when I experienced the first death of someone close to me. Hence, I attended a therapy session and realized I had been struggling with anxiety and depression since sixth grade.
Throughout my college experience thus far, there have been many days where I could not get out of bed. My motivation and productivity immensely decreased, and I continued to feel unworthy. I spent most of my time after classes taking naps and consistently felt a pit in my stomach due to stress and worrying. These feelings consumed me to the point where I would have minor panic attacks out of the blue. I stopped being interested in activities that I usually liked and was in a state of sadness and stress. My feelings of unworthiness and anxiety persisted.
It has been exhausting to constantly feel like this. While I still continue to struggle with these thoughts, I have developed a new perception on life after taking a semester away from my home campus. I realized that sometimes, not everything in life is so serious. I was constantly worried about how people perceived me and pleasing others, that I never took time to take care of myself. I realized the importance of doing things for yourself and not what is expected of you. Being able to feel enthusiastic about an activity I enjoyed was a moment of pure bliss for me, and I started to appreciate my own worth and value. I was finally able to prioritize my own happiness and well-being instead of worrying about the expectations and perceptions of others. It is okay to take a break from the stresses of your everyday life and do something that brings you pleasure. Read a book. Play an instrument. Go for a walk. Take deep breaths. If you are reading this, know that you are worthy and valued. Everything will be alright.
Saisha D., Georgetown University
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