Dr. Nikki Elston

Photography by Ali Haddleton

If you’re reading this, don’t be so hard on yourself.  

Do you ever feel like you can’t do anything right? Do you ever spend hours working on an assignment, still disappointed in the result? Do you ever think to yourself, everyone has it figured out and I’m just a mess? 

There are days when I literally think “who decided I am qualified for this job?”  It happened just the other day, after a class.  In my mind we were going to have the most meaningful discussion and students were going to leave the class saying “O Captain, my Captain,” like I was Robin Williams in the Dead Poet’s Society (it’s a good clip, watch it if you haven’t).  Well, class didn’t go like that, and I left feeling defeated, confident that I wasn’t a “real professor” and someone would soon deem me an imposter.  The same thing happens to me during some therapy sessions. I’ll see a client and at the end of the session I’m waiting for someone to tell me a mistake was made, my license is being revoked.

This got me thinking about all of the time I spend with students and clients who: 1) wish they could change something that has happened, and 2) dwell on what someone else thinks about them. 

So here’s the thing, we can’t rewind what happened. I can’t take back what I did or didn’t say in class or a session, and I certainly can’t control what my students or clients think about me.  I don’t get to decide if my students or clients like me. I don’t even get to decide if they think I’m smart and helpful. I do get to decide what I think of myself, what I say to myself.  

Now, before you go thinking this is a ra-rah, cheerleader kind of situation, let me be frank: You are going to make mistakes and everything is not going to go the way you planned. No, you are not always going to get an “A.”  Yes, some classes are hard and you will fall on your face, maybe even fail. Some presentations are going to be bumpy, other people will be better at some things. You will not always get the job, the promotion, or the recognition, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t qualified, or smart, or whatever negative comment you tell yourself.  

So, how can you extend yourself some grace? How can you stop overthinking and diving head first into the spiral of self loathing?  Maybe you need a reminder on your mirror, or a post-it note that you see every day. Maybe you should talk to someone. This could be a friend, or a trained mental health counselor who can help you sort out the thoughts that get you stuck.  Either way, please don’t be alone. And if you see me on campus, say “Hi” and let’s talk.

Sincerely,

Dr. Nikki Elston, Wake Forest University

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