Dr. Rachel M.
Photography by Ashley Kung
If you’re reading this, I too have struggled without sharing.
Healthcare workers and trainees are at a higher risk of mental health issues and suicide than the general population. We know this, yet little changes. Why do we struggle more than others? Is it the constant pressure to perform and make it to the next phase? Is it the importance of our work? Is it the impression that we need to be brave and strong for our patients and students? Is it because we think that no one else struggles?
The path to medical school and residency is very challenging. To those around me, I seemed to breeze through. Friends and family would say that I made it look easy. I heard comments about how “lucky I was” that I “never struggled.” However, those that knew me best knew that I was fighting with anxiety and perfectionism. These were familiar feelings since I was kid, but they compounded in medical school. I felt so out of control of my future, so I turned to control what I could - my body.
In my second year of medical school, I developed an eating disorder. I would strictly monitor my food intake and exercise twice a day. I lost so much weight that I hardly recognized myself, but it still did not feel like enough. Every fear I had about my future in medicine and my success in my career materialized as an attempt to shape my physical appearance. This progressed until I took my Step 1 exam. I was distracted and overwhelmed, and I was disappointed in my performance. I finally asked for help. Slowly, over time, I became myself again. By learning coping mechanisms and building the necessary skills, I am now able to manage the tremendous stresses of my work on a daily basis. By getting help when I needed it (and seeing a therapist now!), I am a better doctor, coworker, wife, and mom.
It can be daunting to ask for help. On the long road that is medical training, it is tempting to appear unphased and unbothered. However, we all struggle. When you struggle with your mental health, you must ask for help. I assure you that whomever you talk to has struggled too.
Dr.Rachel M., University of Florida
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