Hallie J.
Photography by Gabriele Barrocas
If you’re reading this, you are stronger than you know.
When I first wake up, I’m met with a stream of to-do list items, what ifs, and worst-case-scenarios for the day (and even far, far into the future). Especially in the morning, my anxiety can be paralyzing. My chest constricts, it becomes harder to breathe, and I feel tethered to my bed. It feels like I’ve lost all control. How can I even get up when all my brain wants to do is obsess over the past, the future, and all that could go wrong?
In these moments, I have to pull myself back to reality, to escape the downward spiral of anxiety. A shower, ice-cold water, the fresh air, a walk, my mom’s voice on the phone: all excellent reminders of the life that exists outside of my brain.
If you’ve never experienced this, I know you must be wondering why I can’t just snap out of it. Why would I continue to make myself sick over something that happened months ago or that could happen months from now? Unfortunately, it’s not that easy. Although they’re not entirely visible, mental health disorders can stick with you forever. They ebb and flow just like any other chronic condition–there are periods of relief and periods of complete suffering.
Living with an anxiety disorder is exhausting. One moment, I’m convinced the world is ending and the next, I’m perfectly content. And then there are days where I consistently feel somewhere in the middle. I just feel off. Not to mention, all of this manifests itself physically, too. Trust me, I’ve felt it all.
Trying to treat anxiety is just as exhausting. I’ve been living like this for a while, and it takes a long time to undo the way you think. It’s extremely difficult to be patient with myself, especially when progress is never linear. I always wish I could set a timeline for my body, that I could know I’ll feel better by X date or for Y event.
The spring of my sophomore year was the worst it’s ever been. I felt utterly helpless, like I had no control. I even had to leave campus because it impeded my ability to function. I had worked so hard for this life, and here it was, slipping away before my eyes.
But deep down I knew that this is where I belong, here at Vanderbilt, doing the things I love with the people I love. My anxiety would not take this away from me; it had already taken enough.
I spoke up and received the help that I needed. It was a long, frustrating journey. It still is that way, to be completely honest. Your treatment journey is almost never done, as there is no real cure to anxiety. But it’s important to recognize that being realistic is not the same as giving up hope. I accept that I will always live with anxiety, but I know that I am constantly taking steps to feel better. It’s just part of being a human.
Now I’m back, and I am incredibly proud of myself for getting here. I vow to fight for the life I want for myself, even when it’s hard.
I still battle my anxiety, and it still presents many challenges in my life. But knowing that I did this for myself makes all the difference. With the help of my incredible support system, I know that I am capable of pulling myself out of the darkness, and you are too.
That’s why I’m starting IfYoureReadingThis at Vanderbilt, to remind you of your strength, your courage, and the resilience that lies within you. Most importantly, to remind you that you are not alone. In publishing these letters, I’m hoping you’ll resonate with at least one of them, that you will see your own struggles reflected in someone else’s. I’m hoping you’ll feel validated for experiencing things people have written off as “dramatic” because they don’t understand them. I’m hoping you will realize the range of students on this campus experiencing a range of things. I’m hoping you’ll realize just how real mental health is. I’m hoping you’ll feel seen.
No matter what your story is, we want to hear it.
Your experiences deserve to be shared, and your voice deserves to be heard. Help us build this community by writing what you’ve been through, what you’ve learned, or even just some kind words of encouragement–there is someone on this campus who needs to hear it.
Hallie J., Vanderbilt University
Vanderbilt University Chapter Founder & President
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