Morgan H.
Photography by Aneesa Wermers
In this letter I detail my experiences with suicidality. If this is something you may find to be upsetting and/or triggering, I encourage you to have support close by, or to read one of the other letters on IfYoureReadingThis.org.
If you’re reading this, don’t give in just yet.
Around this time last year, while beginning my sophomore year at BC, I hit the lowest of the low. To be fair, I had hit what I thought was the “lowest of the low” many times over the course of the previous year, but this was truly a new level of low. I was constantly struggling with strong suicidal thoughts. I had acted on such thoughts various times the previous year while I was at home and dealing with a tough breakup and extreme loneliness. Back at school, it was all I could think about, every hour of every day.
I also knew that I was physically sick. I had been diagnosed with Lyme disease, bartonellosis, and autoimmune brain swelling the previous year. With this physical sickness came a crushing mental sickness in which I was reliant on prescription drugs to get me through the day. On top of this, I had relied on close friends to give me emotional support and help when they themselves were not well enough to give it to me. I ended up pushing them away from me, and I was quite nasty in the process.
Day to day I suffered extreme anxiety, loneliness, helplessness and regret, both as a result of my health condition and the current personal situation I found myself in. I felt stuck in a rut, without the power to change anything about my current circumstance. I tried apologizing to those I shunned away. It didn’t work yet. I tried to not care about my social isolation anymore. That didn’t work yet either. The only thing that I thought would work in terms of changing my situation was to act on my thoughts.
But I was completely wrong. Without knowing it at the time, I ended up making one of the best decisions I’ve ever made, and that was to step away. I stepped away from schoolwork, from Boston, and from anything else that may have been causing undue stress. Ironically, I didn’t make this decision because I wanted to change my mental state. I made it because I found myself being unable to focus on schoolwork and I was scared of getting failing grades for the semester.
I spent the next many months at home undergoing treatments to get rid of my infections, weaning myself off the substances I had become dependent on with the help of my psychiatrist, and going through therapy to relieve myself of the painful and disturbing memories that I was harboring daily. I tried my best to create new, positive memories to replace those I was trying to get rid of. I gradually learned to not beat myself up for needing this step back.
I don’t want to pretend that engaging in all of these things was easy from the get go. At the start, I was reluctant to try to get better. I still thought I was better off dead, I still had crippling loneliness at home. What I really needed was one positive feeling to be created from something, and for that one positive feeling to spread elsewhere in me. That positive feeling ended up being created by the reset I gave myself, by the sense that I had an opportunity to restart my life.
My reason for sharing this is not to garner pity for what I’ve been through, but it’s to show others who may currently be at the lowest of the low the potential value of a reset, a start-over, or whatever else you might want to call it. It can erase the feeling of stuck-ness you might have, as it did with me. Unstuck, the frequency of my suicidality diminished until it disappeared altogether at the end of January 2022.
There’s one more thing I’d like to say: wanting to improve your mental health does not mean you have to perfect it. Although I am much, much, better, there are still times I feel sad, whether it’s because I’m lonely sitting by myself in my dorm, or because I miss the people I’ve driven away from me. Crucially, though, I don’t see that as some failing of mine or some sign of everlasting sadness. I am able to accept it and look forward to the inevitable time when things get a little better.
If you are personally struggling with severe depression, suicidality, or loneliness, PLEASE reach out to me. My Instagram DMs are always open, I’m always looking to meet new people or offer a supporting hand. I’m no licensed therapist, obviously, but I know from personal experience what you may be feeling, and hopefully, I can help you find a way to get unstuck.
All my love and support,
Morgan H. (he/him), Boston College ‘##
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