Linsey S.
Photography by Lindsay Carroll
If you’re reading this, I understand what it’s like to not understand.
One of the most frustrating questions someone could ask me when I am going through a depressive episode or feeling extra anxious is “what’s wrong?” And it’s not because of the question itself, but because of the only answer I have to provide for them. I don’t know. I don’t know why some days I wake up and feel like it takes everything I have just to put a smile on my face. I don’t know why some days I’m so anxious I feel nauseous. I don’t know why the eating disorder continues to linger when I know and feel the damage it does to my body.
I’ve always been a “Why?” girl. I’ve always had to know the reason why things work the way they do or why things are the way they are. Because of that, up until I came to college, I let the way I feel control me because I was trying to find the “why” of why I was the way I am and why I constantly felt the way I did. I would have to put a label on every feeling I had, tracing it back to where it came from and trying to define what the feelings were. It wasn’t until last March when we went home for quarantine where I was forced to face my diseases and understand that there really is no cause. There is no “why” other than the fact that I was born to face some mental barriers that some other people do not have. It took me to just about my breaking point to realize this. But once I was able to really grasp the fact that I can’t control it, that I don’t have a “why” other than just having depression and anxiety, I wake up every morning, take my medicine (because it is okay to accept help from our friend Effexor), and decide that today these illnesses will not define me.
I understand that it is a daily battle. Some days it’s truly an hourly battle. Some days getting out of bed is my “win” and other days I feel anxiety free. Some days I don’t analyze everything I consume and other days I can’t eat a salad without feeling guilty. If you have ever battled any type of eating or body imaging illness, I am with you. I understand the frustration and the pure exhaustion of these thoughts consuming your mind and how draining it can be. It is truly another beast of its own, and on top of anxiety and depression it can be unbearable. There are no words to fix it. There is nothing anyone can do or say to know how to make it better. It is an everyday battle, and it will be for the rest of my life. If you are struggling with this too, my heart truly goes out to you and I am here to talk about it or just anything in general.
I pray every day for anyone struggling with these illnesses or just any mental illness in general. I understand what it’s like to not understand. I understand what it’s like to feel like you are drowning in your own thoughts. But don’t give these diseases any more power than they already have. My number is (864) 828-2627 if anyone ever wants to talk. If you are not at a place to be able to talk about it yet, just know that I am with you, and I pray every day that you are able to wake up and you won’t have to struggling with not understanding.
Linsey S., Clemson University
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