Jordan M.
Photography by Joseph Bui
If you’re reading this, you deserve the world.
Growing up, my parents always joked that I had no shortage of self-confidence. I was usually the biggest personality in the room and had no qualms about who I was. In parent-teacher conferences, my parents were assured that my drive would get me far in life. I advocated for myself from a young age and was adept at connecting with different people. The independence I had as a young kid was evident, and my awareness of what I wanted in life always motivated me to think big.
I never saw my self-assurance and ambition as being negative. Throughout my formative years, I remained an unapologetic individual.
The one thing about being unapologetic is that people will always try and tear you down. They go for the pressure points. Around the “awkward” middle school phase, I experienced my first brush with negativity. Looking back, it is almost hilarious how I allowed empty words to affect me so much, but when you are a kid, everything feels so eternal. Something changed in me, and I became more timid. People who know me at present would never envision a meek version of Jordan. I cared too much about what people thought, and so I shut myself down. For years, I really believed that I was not deserving of good things in life.
When I entered high school, I tried to push all the self-doubt down. It was crunch time. As the oldest of three and a high achiever, all of my efforts were put into attaining the best undergraduate scholarship I could. My family was not able to pay for college by themselves, and they put every single iota of their beings into supporting my goals. I could not disappoint them, so there was no time to wallow in my self-doubt.
Just as I thought I had a handle on my life, a curveball came through. I was diagnosed with a chronic illness that quickly changed my life. Physically, I was affected in so many different ways; my hair fell out, I could not get out of bed on certain days, and- as one friend described it–the light behind my eyes went out. One afternoon at the hospital, the doctors pulled my mom aside and, when they thought I was out of earshot, said, “She will not be able to finish high school in person.” They wanted me to finish school from home, and there were serious doubts that I would be able to go away for college.
All the work I had put in was for nothing. I was not going to finish high school, go to college, or be successful. Nobody believed I could do it, and I felt like a middle schooler again. I was so lucky to have amazing friends during this time, but people can still be cruel. People talked about how ugly my hair loss was and how “the former try hard can’t even get through one day of classes.” Beauty is skin deep. We value such superficial things in our society, but, unfortunately, they dictate how our lives play out. After a long period of rehabilitation, my physical appearance changed a lot. It is always interesting to return home and have the same people who pointed out the physical effects of my illness all those years ago exclaim how beautiful I look.
Being sick taught me a lot about society. But, more importantly, it taught me about myself. I never was quite the same after, and it was not until this last fall at Colby that I realized a lot of things. Your experiences do not solely define you, nor do people get to decide who you are. The people who are true friends accept you for who you are. These are the people you must surround yourself with. The people who celebrate your successes and are there for you when times are tough.
Getting to a place where I was happy with myself and cognizant of what I truly deserve in life was not easy. Recently, I found out that I won the Watson Fellowship, and some friends took me out to dinner and celebrated in the middle of the week. Friends new and old came together in one of the most hilarious, chaotic, and beautiful nights I’ve had in a long time. How lucky am I to have these people in my life, I thought. To have people who care about me and allow me to be my most authentic self. They are part of the reason that confident little girl from all those years ago was able to shine through again. I have my bad days, but healing is a process. Accepting yourself is a process.
Embrace yourself for who you are, and others will follow suit. Carve out your own path and choose the person you want to be. Never settle for less than you deserve, and remember that you are the person who knows yourself best.
Jordan M., Colby College
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