John V.
Photography by Taormina Cosomano
If you’re reading this, healing begins when we share our stories.
In the summer of my freshman year, I had the privilege to study abroad in London for eight weeks. When I arrived, I went in knowing absolutely nobody. I didn’t have a lot of specific expectations about the trip. I knew I was going to have new and unique experiences and was hopeful for what they would bring. I didn’t know the people that I would meet or how connected I would feel to them by the end of the program. Honestly, that was very unexpected. By the end, I had fostered a real sense of belonging and community that I had never felt before outside of my family. It was magical.
So what did that mean for me when I returned to Tallahassee and resumed the same lifestyle from the previous fall and spring semesters? The change in setting was drastic. In my freshman year, avoidant behavior had become a habit. I didn’t go out and do things, but because of fear, I would shy away and isolate myself. “If they don’t know me, they can’t hurt me” was my time-tested survival strategy. Over the summer, that changed. I said yes to many more things. I leaned in and engaged instead of withdrawing. As a result, I made great friends and felt more like myself than ever before.
At the beginning of the fall semester of my second year, it felt like I had a decision to make: Would I engage with the world as “Johnny from London”, or would I revert to my “comfortable,” fear-based life? It’s important to note that I often perceive comfort as the right option at first because it's a less immediate risk and therefore easier, but in my experience, it always ends up being the most painful option.
Given that, I should have embraced the new person that I had evolved into over the summer, right? I shouldn’t revert back to my old ways in Tallahassee. The answer seemed clear, but I chose to be afraid and disengage from “London Johnny”. Cue the excruciating pain. I began to convince myself that a chapter of my life had closed and I had woken up from my dreamy summer. The hope I had felt for the semester was crushed, and at every turn, I convinced myself I wasn’t capable. A self-fulfilling prophecy started to take shape, and anxiety and depression ran rampant. When I didn’t engage with the world around me, I became stuck in my own head. This lasted almost an entire semester because I convinced myself that I was feeling this way now, but it wasn’t permanent. I just needed to wait until I was my old self. The person I was now seemed no good, and I didn’t respect him, but I believed things would eventually change. I decided to wait for this change. The change never came. Unfortunately, nothing happened until I took action. I hate how that works sometimes.
What did this look like? I started to engage with my world. I went to my friend Rose’s club, I got more involved in my faith community, I asked friends to grab lunch, I got out of bed (why is this one so hard?). Piece by piece, I began to feel a resurgence of the life I wanted. This process was not fun. Honestly, it was excruciating. I remember driving to a club meeting, thinking that I was making a huge mistake, and leaving feeling complete. How is that possible? I think it's because, no matter my mood, sharing my life honestly with others doesn’t necessarily alter how I feel in the moment, but it always makes me feel less alone. This momentum carried me through the remainder of finals, into winter break, and through the spring semester. It wasn’t easy, but I stuck to the idea of having others support me no matter where I was. I kept showing up, and I let myself be seen. That is a difficult choice I must make constantly. It’s never easy. However, through these hard choices, I have felt more connected and secure than ever before. It’s kind of paradoxical. Also, I have formed enough security that if something changes, my support network and I can take it.
In college, we have the unique privilege of shaping the life we want for ourselves. I truly believe that. I wouldn’t change anything about my experience so far. It has been both terrible and magnificent, but I’m starting to realize that’s probably the beauty of it.
This is just a piece of my story. When I started sharing with others, I no longer felt alone. I’m constantly adding new layers and getting to know more people. I believe that everyone has something worth sharing and meaningful to give. This is me intentionally asking to hear your story, because that is where the healing begins.
John V., Florida State University
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