Isa A.
Photography by Savannah Mitchell
Dear Reader,
Isa’s letter describes her personal journey with an eating disorder and we advise those who may be triggered by this topic to exercise caution when reading this letter. We have a number of resources listed on our Resources Page that may be helpful, and encourage your to reach out to members of your support network if needed.
Sincerely, the IfYoureReadingThis.org team
If you're reading this, your appearance is the least interesting thing about you.
Eating disorders, a tough topic to talk about. As humans, we need food to survive. When someone says “Why don’t you just eat?” or “Just stop snacking and workout” it often triggers someone whose mind constantly overflows with ruminating thoughts. Relentless “what ifs” stop me from being present in my life. What foods are good? Which are bad? Am I going to have bad practice if I eat this food? How many calories are in that? Have I exercised enough to eat this meal? People with eating disorders have physiological differences in their brains; the neurons are triggered differently and the nervous systems are out of alignment. It’s hard to just eat more. Diet culture dismantles the self-confidence of so many young men and women. It doesn’t have to be like this.
I have struggled with body image since about 2016. I have always had an athletic build, and ate to fuel my performance, especially as a Division 1 collegiate athlete. It took me over three years to finally recognize that I was suffering from an eating disorder. I hadn’t menstruated for eleven months. My athletic performance was suffering. I thought that my worth came directly from my appearance. I was stuck in a cycle of restriction, bingeing, overexercising, followed by shame and guilt. The burdens I carried were tearing me apart. I refused to confront the fact that I was spiraling out of control. It was at the start of the COVID-19 pandemic that I decided to seek professional help. The whole world hit the pause button, and I was able to step back and authentically focus on my mental health. Beginning therapy was a vulnerability checkpoint for me. Initially, the progress was slow; a few steps forward were often accompanied by many steps backward. Then, my mindset began to shift; the girl who was leading with restriction and self-sabotage was now welcoming freedom, love, and compassion for myself. I learned to give myself credit for all I’ve done, and compassion for letting myself be. I ask myself, what’s the most loving thing to do for myself today?
When the days are hard, give yourself grace, because healing is not a linear process. Feed your body with things of joy; feed your soul. Whether it is seeing a friend, visiting your favorite coffee shop, or going on a walk just because, the beautiful things of this world will take away your worries and cares about your appearance. What benefit comes from missing a social event because they are too scared about the calories in the meal they will be eating? Trust me, I’ve been there, I’ve been the one to turn down the ice cream run. I’ve come to realize that life is so much more than how you look. It’s the least important thing. It’s the belly laugh that escapes from your mouth when you’re out with your best gals. It’s the smile your eyes give off when you enter the room. It’s the unique personality that makes you you.
Disordered eating looks different for everyone. You don’t have to follow a stereotypical eating disorder to still struggle with body image. You don’t have to act like you have it all together and you are a health king or queen. Your body changing means you are experiencing life and figuring it out along the way.
Your appearance is the least important thing about you. Look at what your body does for you. Look at all the amazing experiences you've had thus far. Give yourself some grace, let go of the control, because what do you have to lose? Eat the damn cake.
Isa A., Arizona State University ‘22
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