Anonymous
Photo from Georgetown University
Dear Reader,
This letter describes a personal journey with suicidal ideation. We advise those who may be triggered by this topic to exercise caution when reading this letter. If you are struggling please reach out to one of the resources listed on our Resources Page.
Sincerely, The Team of IfYoureReadingThisGeorgetown
If you’re reading this, you are not your thoughts.
Have you ever had a thought that was disturbing to you? Something strange or scary that feels different from something you actually feel? I have and I know that it can be deeply unsettling.
I’ve managed anxiety and depression for years, and at some points in my journey with these challenges, everyday life was exhausting. At some points, there was a nearly constant thought of how hard it was to keep going through life. I didn’t learn what these thoughts were until a few years later. I worked in therapy and started medication to help manage my anxiety and depression, and I made a lot of progress. During this time, near the beginning of my diagnosis of depression and anxiety, I never had suicidal ideations. If you are unfamiliar with the term, suicidal ideations are thoughts or plans of suicide and can be defined by intrusive thoughts and preoccupation with death or dying (Stonecrest Center). I didn’t learn what these thoughts were until a few years later.
Seemingly out of nowhere, I started to have random thoughts that really scared me. I’d be driving up a bridge and think about driving off the top like a ramp. I’d be walking through a park and think about falling off the cliff next to me. I’d be in a normal part of my day and unexpectedly think about dying or how I could potentially take an action to take my own life. The part that scared me the most about these thoughts was that they were not made in despair – I was happy with my life. The thoughts felt like they had no apparent cause and came out of nowhere. They weren’t a response to difficult events and I didn’t feel depressed. They also didn’t feel overpowering or like something I had to do – just something that occurred to me and that my brain would work through as I would normally think about my schedule for the day. This sense of ordinary was even scarier to me – why did these feel like any other thought? What did these thoughts mean? What was wrong with me?
I considered bringing this up to my therapist, but I felt that I had made so much progress on my other goals that I didn’t know how to bring something else up. I was abroad and started to meet less frequently with her as our sessions felt less and less productive. But I started having the thoughts again, and I didn’t know where to turn. I didn’t feel comfortable talking to my friends or my mom, who I would normally confide in about my anxiety, because I didn’t want to worry them that I was unsafe. But at times, I did feel deeply unsettled.
Eventually, I reached out to a new therapist recommended by a friend. I made the goal of establishing with her in our first talk how I felt about my old therapist and why I believed it wasn’t working. I made a goal of opening the conversation with the thoughts I’d been having and explaining that they were the reason I felt I should be talking to someone. This was really challenging for me, but I felt some relief after that first call simply because someone else knew – someone who was an expert and qualified to help me understand my thoughts. Through our initial conversations, my new therapist helped me realize that the thoughts I was having were exactly that – just thoughts. They didn’t necessarily have a deeper meaning or mean something was wrong with me. She was the one who explained suicidal ideation to me, and the idea that this was something other people also experienced. These thoughts may be intrusive and unsettling, but I could work through that discomfort by first noticing the thought and acknowledging it, then letting it exist while confidently recognizing that it does not define how I feel about the world and about myself.
I still work with this therapist and I sometimes still have intrusive thoughts. But now, I feel better prepared. I know that I can’t always control the thoughts that pop into my mind, but what I can do is remember that sometimes thoughts are just thoughts, and it doesn’t mean I’m unhappy with my life. Not everyone has experienced suicidal ideation, but it is estimated that over 10 million adults experience it every year (CDC). If you ever have thoughts that scare you, remember that those thoughts do not define you.
That being said, it is always ok to ask for support. I hesitated to talk about my suicidal ideation because I thought of it as a weakness and something I couldn’t control. Talking to my new therapist about it helped me see that it was ok to notice and talk about it, instead of suppressing it. I encourage anyone who may be feeling something similar to reach out to the resources available at and outside of Georgetown. An expert opinion can help you feel more comfortable in your own thoughts and give you the tools to manage them, even if they feel scary. There is so much strength in seeking support.
Anonymous, Georgetown University
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