Faith B.

Photography by Natalie Bell

If you’re reading this, start loving all of you. 

My name is Faith and I’ve become my own archnemesis. I say that because only an enemy would hang onto every mistake I’ve ever made. Only an enemy would criticize my appearance at any opportunity. And only an enemy would replay every interaction I had in a day and remind myself of how awkward it was. 

The negative thoughts I have about myself manifested into my sworn enemy.  

I created my own enemy, and I’ve been losing––badly. I came to realize that made me have a very low perception of myself. I waited on the validation of others while simultaneously not believing people when they gave me compliments. It was a never-ending cycle. 

I had a friend who was going through a hard time, and she needed some extra help to get through it. She was starting to feel like a burden, and I assured her that wasn’t the case. I told her, “if I was only your friend when you were at your best, I wouldn’t be a good friend.” It wasn’t until months later that I reflected on that moment, and thought, “Why couldn't I apply that same grace to myself?” Why was I only kind to myself when I achieved something, and spent the rest of the time harshly criticizing my every move? 

I strive to be the best version of myself, but I was trying to do it in a way that was actually destroying me. I was subconsciously trying to bully myself into being a better person, and it didn’t work. All it did was make me resent who I was and chase after a fantasy version of myself that didn’t exist. No matter how long I sat and daydreamed, and believe me I did it often, I could never truly escape the parts of myself I didn’t like. I always thought I was too loud, too dramatic, too talkative and too much of a burden to the people around me––this one really likes to spiral in my head. 

Instead of being a friend to myself, I was an enemy and I'm tired of it. Tired of denying myself peace, tired of denying myself love, and tired of denying myself grace. 

We are going to mess up and fail sometimes, and it’s in those moments that we must show kindness to ourselves. How can you get up off the ground, if you’re carrying the weight of your unrealistic expectations on your back? So in the times where my mind starts to spiral, I have to remind myself of who I am. I’m a child of the Most High God. There’s no reason to continue walking in the negativity I’ve already been freed from. 

So to whoever is reading this, please start giving yourself more grace. Please start being more kind to yourself, you deserve it. Allow yourself to grow from your mistakes, rather than crucifying yourself for them. I’m not saying it’s easy. In fact, this is a reminder for both you and me. 

You’re important, you’re not a burden, and you’re worthy of love — all of you.

Faith B., Southern Methodist University

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