Emily W.
Photo provided by Emily W.
If you’re reading this, a score on a test will never define you.
A friend in high school once told me that he wanted to be an accountant because “numbers never change. Once you learn it, you can repeat it and have a skill that makes you money for life.” While I acknowledged the sentiment as someone’s desire, I knew it could never be me. I wanted to be a doctor because I wanted to learn and continue learning for my life. I wanted to be a part of the ever expanding knowledge and contribute to its growth. However, so much of the entry to medicine centered around finite numbers that seemed to define you. Your GPA and MCAT score. Even your qualitative experiences of volunteer hours were quantified to emphasize the number of hours, not the depth of the experience. The numbers, the ones that did not change, defined what career you could have. And for me, they often dampened everything else I had worked for.
I understand the need for assessments, I do, and honestly I benefited from that model for most of my life. I was able to stand out from kids in grade school because I performed well in class with minimal effort. I really loved school and liked to be a student but I did become lazy and reliant on whatever natural tendency I had for answering a test question. In college, I realized I had to study a little more but still did not dedicate myself fully because I was involved in all of the other components required for entry into medical school, all of the components that I enjoyed.
With the security of acceptance, that I essentially had a guarantee I would be a doctor if I just passed, I started medical school with the sole focus of just studying. It kind of felt… freeing? We were able to just study all day. But I struggled more than ever. I studied so hard but would ultimately let my test anxiety fueled by the need to prove myself numerically overtake me on test days. I struggled mentally because chasing academic validation and only having numbers to represent that felt cruel. When I did poorly, my confidence plummeted which affected motivation and kept me stuck in the cycle.
I wish I could write this and say that I figured it out, but I have not. I have instead found confidence in advocating for myself and highlighting what I am good at that will make me an excellent physician. Because the truth is, no test score can define how well you interact with patients, how much you care and how much you really know BUT it will open a lot of doors for you if you do well. I think we should all play to our advantage and for me, it is my dedication to research, leadership and mentorship. For some, their scores are excellent reflections of their skills and that should be celebrated in its own regard.
Overall, we need to go easy on ourselves. Everyone in medical school works hard and sometimes it simply comes down to luck. I believe (& really hope!) that persistence, grit and passion will always be important and if you remain true to those values, your dream will still continue. We worked hard to get here and will continue to do just that. Even a score at the top percentile does not define every quality that makes up you. You are smart, you are capable, you are strong and you can do THIS.
Emily W., Fourth Year Medical Student
Q: Is there an event or situation that completely changed your outlook on mental health/wellness? What happened, and how did it change you for the better?
A: When I was in the midst of studying for STEP 1, I felt like I was going through the hardest time of my life. I also had health problems that affected my body and ultimately were just fueled by the stress I was putting on myself. I took a weekend trip to go to a concert with family mid way through studying that involved staying with my aunt who was going through a divorce at the time. I sort of expected that the attention and support would be on me due to going through a stressful study time but it felt like the energy shifted the second I was with my family. Someone I loved was going through a huge life change that affected every part of their life, that was devastation. I was just sad because I was taking a test. And I will not minimize the stress of taking a board exam but it made me see it more as a privilege, that I got to study and learn and this was just a stepping stone towards my dream career. It changed my ability to compartmentalize and realize that studying was a component of my life, but not the whole and it should never overtake every facet of yourself.
Q: Have you ever sought professional help or counseling for mental health support during your time in medical school? If so, how did it impact your overall well-being?
A: I realized after my first year of medical school that I could not help myself all on my own. I have been on a journey of figuring out what is helpful for me and what I need to feel like a better, more calm version of myself. It has taken a lot of trial and error but I do feel that I finally have something that works for me. Talking to someone and taking medications are not weaknesses. It also is something that does not need to be forever! We are in a microcosm of stress during medical school so finding ways to cope and not be miserable are so important… but do not have to be a diagnosis or prescription for life.
Q: What change do you hope to see when it comes to mental health in medical trainees?
A: I think this is such a hard question… and I wish I had a good answer. I do not know how to make it better. I think adjustments with making certain aspects P/F have just weighted other components heavily. The reality is that there are not enough residency positions for the amount of medical students we are admitting. I believe focusing on creating more positions for residency rather than opening new schools will alleviate some of our stress about job security and not force us to be so competitive with our peers. I also think schools should be more supportive of students pursuing competitive specialties rather than just focus on getting us into any spot to support their match rate. We deserve to be somewhere we are happy and if it means not matching a year to perfect aspects of your application, that should be supported.
Several studies have revealed that medical students, physicians, and healthcare professionals experience mental health symptoms at rates significantly higher than the general population. Stethos[Cope] is a chapter of IfYoureReadingThis designed to help medical students and professionals cope with the unique stressors of medical training and change the narrative of mental health in medicine.
To read more letters and interviews from students, and to learn more about mental health in the medical community, visit the Stethos[Cope] home page.