Anonymous

Photo from Duke University Libraries

If you’re reading this, open up to your loved ones. 

Recovery can be a life-long battle, and pretending you can handle it on your own isn’t the answer.

It has taken me five years of recovery-relapse-recovery-relapse to understand that recovery may be a life-long journey and that is okay. For my impatient “I want results now” self… let’s just say this has been a hard pill to swallow. I thought that if I saw every eating disorder professional under the sun upwards of three times a week that eventually I would hit a point where my brain would be healed and I would never have to deal with this scary disease again.

Wrong.

I’ve relapsed so many times. I was hospitalized my senior year of high school for suicidality and thought that would be a wakeup call. Nope. I relapsed right before coming into my freshman year of college and had to spend my first year hiding my secret doctor’s appointments from everyone. I relapsed coming into my second year and relapsed again about six months ago. Relapse, relapse, relapse.

I think I’ve finally discovered why I keep relapsing. It’s not because the doctors I work with aren’t good enough, my medication isn’t strong enough, or my family isn’t supportive enough. Absolutely none of these are true. It’s because I keep pretending that I am okay and that I can take on anything in life with no help from anyone.

Until recently, even my closest friends had no idea I was struggling with a mental health disorder. I was too ashamed to ask for help or share these deep parts of me for a very long time. My friends would share very important things about themselves, and in those vulnerable moments, I would continue to provide advice and a listening ear without opening up a single bit. Years of becoming the friend who never shared anything but gave so much of herself molded me into a habit of pretending that became detrimental. Pretending that I had everything together was the most important thing in my life, and the person whose inner thoughts I knew was very different from the person most people knew.

It wasn’t until I began to reach out to people who are important to me to let them know what was really going on (and had been for the past five years) that I felt freer. Talking to someone about something you’re ashamed of feels like a weight has been taken off your shoulders. It allows you to accept that your battle may be lifelong but you have so many people who will walk alongside you in it. Knowing that you may struggle with something for the rest of your life is no easy thing to accept. It’s scary and makes the future extremely unknown. But if you accept the idea that you are not perfect just like those you care about aren’t, then you can accept that you will get whatever support you need and that you deserve it.

Please, if you’re reading this, open up to your loved ones. Everyone has their life-long struggles and mine is an eating disorder. Learn to accept all parts of you, and share with those you care about, so they can love you the best way they know how.

Anonymous, Duke University

Connect With Us

To follow IfYoureReadingThis at Duke on Instagram, get in touch with our chapter, and learn about more resources available to Duke students, visit our chapter’s homepage.