Anonymous
Photograph from William Davis
If you’re reading this, forgive yourself for shitty days.
This letter is for future me, so I can read this on a day when I'm feeling particularly shitty and remind myself that it’s okay. But this letter is also for you, because I know you might also be out there feeling shitty. It’s just so easy to forget that other people struggle too here at Duke.
Fair warning, this letter isn’t particularly optimistic, but I’m also not feeling particularly optimistic today. And I’ve worked on not beating myself down further for it. When I was scrolling through ifyourereadingthis.org on a day that I felt shitty, I found myself inspired to write a letter that captured my reality of feeling shitty. Encouraging words were read, a lot of good advice was given, and on some days I can truly appreciate those letters and try to take in what everyone’s said. Sometimes my mind does feel beautiful, and I can almost believe that things will get better. But more often than not, recently, my mind errs more on the feeling shitty side of things, and feels worse because of it. And, well, stays feeling shitty for a while.
I often struggle to pinpoint why I feel this way. When I’m in a slump, I feel hopelessness and also guilt for feeling as such. My mind struggles to find any “real” reason to feel shitty. My grades are fine, I’ve given myself a lighter course load, and I’m not as involved with things to give myself more breathing room. I have friends on campus and at home that make me laugh and feel loved. And here’s something you can definitely relate to: we’re at Duke, which obviously means we automatically should be happy for being here, in an incredibly prestigious and sought after position, right?
I’ve realized, though, that my mind likes to play tricks on me. It doesn’t want to think about the things that might be contributing to the shittiness, but just because I’m not actively thinking about it doesn’t mean that it’s not there. Duke students are excellent illusionists. We’ve somehow managed to glorify camping outside for three weeks in the winter to observe the spectacle of sweaty men throwing an orange rubber ball at each other. And we’re also often carrying a lot more weight on our shoulders than we consciously realize or give ourselves credit for.
It’s okay to not be okay. I often found myself lying on the ground of the ancient hardwood floors of Bassett my freshman year wondering why everything felt so hard. I lie on the much nicer floors of Craven now, but I don’t wonder or blame myself as much anymore. I started seeking counseling through CAPS this semester. It’s helped me realize that holy crap I’ve been carrying a lot — no wonder I feel shitty sometimes. Nobody has all the answers. Life is also just hard. But I’ve learned to forgive myself for feeling shitty and you should too. If you don’t believe it about yourself, consider what you’d tell a friend or loved one if they expressed to you that they’ve been feeling down. Be kinder to yourself. Maybe we’re not ready to work through the crappiness yet, and that’s okay. There are other Duke students right along with you there. At the very least, I’m out here.
Anonymous, Duke University
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