Alison T.
Photography by Ally Szabo
Please note: In this letter, there is discussion of disordered eating. If you think you may find this content triggering, please consider reading one of the other letters of IfYoureReadingThis.org, or prepare to access any support systems or resources you find helpful.
If you’re reading this, it is okay to not have complete control over everything.
I graduated high school in the summer of COVID. I enjoyed quarantine to the point where I felt like I could have complete control over my life. As a kid, I always thought that I had to do a certain number of things a day or something bad would happen. I always thought this gave me a sense of control over my life.
When it comes to habits, such as eating or exercising, I have always been so hard on myself. I get upset with myself when I eat something I don’t think I should eat or if I don’t move my body for the day. These thoughts constantly consumed me. However, during quarantine, I had myself on a schedule where I was able to always have complete control over my life especially when it came to these things. But once things got back to normal, I realized that this was not the life I could realistically keep up with, especially in college and when the world began to open back up.
Going to college was a rough transition. I loved my freshman year. I was going out all the time, socializing with friends, with no fear of what it was doing to my mental health or body. I was known as the friend who was always down to go out.
However, my sophomore year was when I was constantly overtaken by anxiety. I could not keep up with life socially. I felt burnt out. I was crippled by anxiety every day after I went out because of what it was doing to my body and constantly worried about what others thought of me. I felt distanced from everyone, and I never enjoyed myself. For no reason at all. It made socializing so unenjoyable. I was always worried about what others thought of me rather than worrying about myself.
After all this struggle, I have been able to learn a lot from the ones I love. If you’re reading this, college should not be a time where you constantly beat yourself up. It should not be a time where you stress about your weight, habits, or what others think of you. You are your biggest critic. Everything will be okay, and life is short, don’t let anxiety take the fun of life away from you :)
Alison T., Villanova University
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