Aiya P.
Photography by Jessica Pentel
Dear Reader,
Aiya’s letter describes her personal journey with anorexia nervosa and we advise those who may be triggered by these topics to exercise caution when reading this letter. If you are struggling please reach out to our Peer Contacts or one of the resources listed on our Resources Page.
Sincerely, The IfYoureReadingThis Team
If you’re reading this, you deserve this.
I’ve been struggling with anorexia nervosa since I was 14 years old, when I decided to “lose some weight”. That weight loss turned into an unhealthy drop in weight within 5 months. Through working with an amazing nutritionist (who I still see to this day) I was able to recover and have a healthy weight and a healthy mind. Nonetheless, food and my body was always in the back of my mind—and I feel as if it always will be.
I was relatively healthy and felt like myself again until I graduated high school. It was quite a shock for me, both socially and academically, so I used controlling food and exercise as a coping mechanism. I quickly relapsed.
My first year of college was a year of convincing myself I was healthy while struggling and tearing myself apart on the inside. The summer after first year, I suffered more social isolation and self-hate, and also felt as if I had gained some weight. So, I started running, “dieting”, and hurting myself and eventually became dangerously ill in only a month and a half. My heart rate was low to the point where I should’ve been hospitalized or put in inpatient, but I was stubborn (as always) and declared that I could take care of myself through working with my amazing nutritionist and dedicating myself to a scary meal plan. And I did it.
I moved to Japan while at my most ill, and everyone was terrified for me—left to my own devices all the way across the world from concerned eyes, what would happen to me? Would I get sicker, would I lose myself, would I waste away and die? No. I wouldn’t. I had to heal myself.
While living in Japan, I made an supportive group of beautiful friends who helped me heal and showed me the wonders of the world and how to love myself and have fun. Zoom calls with my nutritionist kept me on track with my eating, and eventually I grew into the confident woman I am today.
I am still working on my relationship with my body and food every single day, but every day is a push forward and upwards. If you are struggling with anything similar to what I have, please reach out to me; I know how painful this illness (and illnesses like it) can be, and I want to do what I can to make sure that nobody has to go through the hell I went through. You deserve this. You deserve to get better.
Aiya P., University of Virginia ‘22
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