Aidan C.
Photography by Ally Szabo
Dear Readers,
In this letter, I discuss my experience with suicidal ideation. While I did contemplate it, I never took any action or committed self harm. If you believe this topic will be triggering for you, I encourage you to take care of yourself and be prepared to access any resources you may need. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is available 24/7 at 988 or suicidepreventionlifeline.org. I also discuss a negative experience with psychiatric medication. While my experience was negative, it is important to remember that medications can affect everyone differently and they are intended to reduce the symptoms of mental health problems.
Sincerely, Aidan C.
If you're reading this, speaking out doesn't make you less of a man.
My entire life, whether it was on the ice, the field, or in the locker room, there was a phrase that always stuck around regardless of what team I played for: "If it's not related to (insert sport here), I don't want to hear about it." I'm sure a lot of athletes out there can relate to having heard that in some form, whether it be from a coach, captain, teammate, or anyone else for that matter, and be completely okay with it.
That was my opinion on the matter for quite a long time.
I was always an active kid; I got my first lacrosse stick when I could walk and started playing organized sports when I was around five years old. Since then, being involved in a team has been a vital part of my identity as I feel like that's where I can be the truest version of myself. Quickly, I took a liking to lacrosse and found myself playing at a very high level at a young age.
However, off the field, my parents noticed that I began having panic attacks frequently. This was as early as third grade. It eventually got to a point where my panic attacks were nearly a daily occurrence and were directly affecting my day-to-day life. I was struggling academically and socially, and it was directly affecting my enjoyment of sports as I was so afraid of having a panic attack on the field.
By the time 5th grade rolled around, I had all but given up on lacrosse. My attitude towards life had shifted. On the outside, I was still the same bubbly, happy-go-lucky kid who was never upset, but on the inside, I was lonely, afraid, and sad. It was at this point that I began to resent the world and would ask, "Why me? What did I do to deserve to live such a painful life?" and began to contemplate taking my life at ten years old.
These feelings lasted until my sophomore year of high school. Every day was miserable and felt like a struggle, yet I couldn't tell my friends out of fear of being seen as less of a man. So, I just bottled them up and powered through them. If I even mentioned the way I was feeling around my coaches, they would see me as "mentally weak" or "unable to handle the pressure," and that was terrifying. I didn't want to be seen as the crazy kid or be thought of as unable to perform in moments when it mattered most. So I just kept quiet.
Fast forward to my junior year of high school, the spring of 2019. By this time, I had fallen in love with the game of hockey, and my mental health was in much better shape. I was happy, fit, healthy, and finally enjoying life again. I was no longer on pills for depression, and I helped carry my team to a state championship in hockey. However, I didn't know that around the corner was going to be my darkest depression yet. In the summer of 2019, something triggered my anxiety, and I had my worst panic attack to date.
The cycle had begun again, and I was back to nearly daily panic attacks. I had no support system from my coaches and my teammates, so I suffered in silence. My psychiatrist put me on a medication that was supposed to help with my depression and anxiety, as it does for many people, but it wasn't right for me. It ended up killing my personality.
It ruined me.
I can't quite describe how I felt to its full extent, but I lost my passion for everything that I once loved and hated how I looked. Gone was feeling confident about my personality; gone was being proud of the way I looked. The old Aidan no longer existed. Just a shell of me. The suicidal thoughts were back, and I just wanted to end it all.
However, in the fall of 2019, NHL goalie Robin Lehner came forward about his battles with Bipolar Disorder, ADHD, and drug addiction. I finally saw there was hope. In a sport as tough and as "manly" as hockey, being open about mental health is extremely tough. I finally heard the story of someone who played the same position as me and went through similar things, breaking the silence. I told myself that one day when I was ready, I would speak out as well.
I began to embrace my mental illness and began to accept it as a part of who I am. I will never be able to cure it, but if I can see it as part of me, I can begin to accept myself as a person and not see myself as less of a man for having it. So, finally, after 15 years of struggling with depression and anxiety, I am breaking my silence. You are not less of a man or weak for speaking out about your mental health. If anything, it is the toughest thing you can do.
I'll leave you with this:
"I'm not ashamed to say I'm mentally ill, but that doesn't make me mentally weak" - Robin Lehner
Aidan C., Villanova University
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