Abby G.

Photography by Ally Szabo

If you’re reading this, it’s okay to feel like the world is spinning, even when you are still.

I was so excited for my senior year at Nova. I felt like everything had built up to this perfect moment; I was surrounded by my best friends, was taking classes I loved, and had figured out how to stay involved, while taking time for myself.

Even though everything seemed to be falling into place, I still found myself lying awake until 3 AM most nights, with heart palpitations and questions of “what if” that I couldn’t shake. This habit was nothing new for me, but when the physical symptoms began to stay with me in the morning, when I was in class, when I was eating dinner, or when I was laughing with friends; I knew that something had to give.

After many appointments and tests, I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. I felt relieved to have a label for what I was experiencing and was excited to enjoy my year without fearing my own body and mind. But during the spring semester, my life began to morph in ways that I couldn’t have anticipated.

Within a month, I was battling the effects of my new medication, a very loved member of my family had passed away, and my dad was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer. The grief I remember feeling during this period of my life was nonstop. I constantly felt like a bystander in my own life, watching the world move around me and going through the motions while feeling glued to my seat.

I think what exacerbated my emotions was the fact that I did not change the way I presented myself to the world. I still laughed a lot with my friends, cracked jokes, and generally kept up a sunny disposition. But this wasn’t real. Which made it harder for me to feel supported, since not many knew that I needed support.

After a period of time, with the help of my very close friends, I started to move a bit with the world’s rotation again. I think it’s true that the best remedy is time. I needed time to accept what was going on in my life to begin to move on from it. (And as of now, my dad is in remission!)

I’m very grateful that I did not have to experience grief until I was older. I know that most have had to combat that monster often in their lives, and often at a much younger age. But if you are grieving a loved one, or even your old identity during the massive period of change that is college, know that you are not alone. You are not just a bystander in your own life. And, eventually, you will begin spinning at the same rate as the world once more.

Abby G., Villanova University

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