Anonymous
Photographed by Derrick Brooks
If you’re reading this, keep it up.
Anxiety is something I’ve struggled with since the very beginning of high school. When college began, my anxiety skyrocketed, as expectations and workload became heavier, and my social life plummeted. Moving from a different state for college was one of the hardest experiences of my life, as I came to a completely new environment with no friends or support system to fall back on in my times of need. I slowly learned to enjoy spending time by myself, and forcing myself to continue waking up and making the most out of my days, even though I was lonely.
I remember thinking I’d make it out of this hole eventually, and I did. But it was definitely not an easy path. Spending time alone also meant spending time alone with my raging anxious thoughts. I began criticizing myself more than ever, and expecting the most out of myself in an academic and social settings. I took uncomfortable leaps of faith in the hopes of finally getting myself out of this lonely rut, but nothing seemed to work. A year later, I finally found a few friends that I could rely on and be comfortable with, but the anxiety of putting pressure on myself to be the best at school and work didn’t escape my mind. It got worse. I began feeling guilty for spending time with friends socializing rather than doing homework 24/7 to fill the void of my loneliness. Last summer, I studied for the MCAT and found myself in the worst loop I’ve ever been in. Waking up, eating alone, studying alone, sleeping alone, repeat. Sure, I had friends to hang out with every now and then, but no one understood the pain and struggle of studying for such a difficult test while also trying to keep my spirits up. There were definitely times I contemplated everything about my life, my career choice, and my future. I wondered if there was even a point in continuing anything I was doing, as I just felt hopeless.
Now, after making it through that gigantic roadblock in my life, and seeking therapy and medication for my anxiety and depression, I’ve finally found some sort of serenity. And while I am nowhere near healed, having a supportive system of friends and family has definitely brought me back to a more comfortable position. I still wake up and struggle with racing thoughts almost every day. I wonder whether I am doing enough, and constantly think about what to do next to achieve my goals. But sometimes a little bit of this anxiety can be good, as the work ethic that it comes with has brought me towards so many accomplishments and goals I’ve had for myself ever since I was a kid.
Please take the time to calm yourself down when you are having anxious thoughts and criticizing yourself. Remember that no one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes to learn from. Look for love and encouragement around you, and hold on to those people for mutual support. And finally, take the time to take care of yourself, doing anything that brings you happiness and peace :)
Anonymous, Virginia Commonwealth University
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