Hannah B.
Photography by Jessica Pentel
If you’re reading this, you were not meant to carry your burdens alone.
I will readily admit that even while writing this letter, I felt a bit like a fraud. How could I write about something that I still do not fully embrace myself?
After all, in this past week, I have found myself beaten down, completely drained, and wholeheartedly defeated from trying to sustain myself on my own strength. In between classes, I sat in Newcomb on the verge of tears, unable to find my breath. I felt like someone had placed an impossibly heavy load on my chest – allowing me just enough air to survive, but not nearly enough to feel like I was alive. I desperately wanted to take a deep breath, but was scared that letting in the air would also let in every feeling I was desperately trying to keep out. Looking back, I realize now that the “load” I felt weighing me down was the resurfacing of my anxiety.
I had been trying to do too much myself – it was déjà vu of my first year all over again. My current dreams were once again plagued with replays from when my brother totaled my car over spring break. I saw the smashed windshield, shredded tires, and the deployed airbag cascading over the wheel ‒ reminding me that I have not heard from him in over a month. My heart filled with worry. I then remembered that it was Monday. I would normally write my weekly letter to my uncle on Mondays, but he had died over break and I was left sitting there staring at a blank page. My heart filled with pain. The people I loved were struggling and I felt like I had failed to help them and to be there when they needed it most. My heart broke.
In a moment of desperation, I began sending out texts to anyone I thought could help. I spilled out everything that I had been holding in and hit send before my finger could find the backspace key. I instantly regretted it and was scared that I had shared too much. Even more, I was worried that in sharing my burdens with others that I would become a burden myself. But I was instead met with an outpouring of love and empathy.
I have come to accept that we were not meant to live this life dependent on our own understanding and strength. So often, the pain and anxiety we feel seems endless. We sit in a state of worry that the present darkness we feel will never part way to a light-filled future. Even though I will forever carry my anxiety with me, with some days being better than others, I know that I can always catch my breath and release some of that weight by being in community. Through being vulnerable with those around me, I was able to have truth spoken into my life and have my empty heart filled up tenfold.
If you’re reading this, I hope you come to know not just with your head, but with your heart, that there are people around you who want to help carry your burdens and that you will not become a burden if you do so. I want you to know that there is a liberating light in your future if you are willing to reach for it. But more than anything, I want you to know that you are fully known and loved just as you are.
Hannah B., University of Virginia
Connect With Us
To follow IfYoureReadingThis at UVA on Instagram, get in touch with our chapter, and learn about more resources available to University of Virginia students, visit our chapter’s homepage.
This post is a part of a collaboration installment between IfYoureReadingThis.org and the Peer Educators.
Our organizations share the mission of creating a happier and healthier student body, and we encourage you to explore their resources and programs.
The Peer Health Educators (PHEs) are a group of roughly 45 UVA students who are trained to educate their classmates about college health and wellness issues in a positive, interactive, fun, and nonjudgmental manner. PHEs are trained to educate on mental wellness, nutrition, alcohol safety, and sexual health. ADAPT is dedicated to addressing the issues of alcohol and other substance abuse in the University of Virginia community. As peer educators, we promote awareness, provide educational outreach, and serve as accessible resources for our fellow students. The Stall Street Journal empowers UVA students to make healthy choices by correcting misperceptions about health decisions and providing accurate information about staying safe, minimizing health risks, accessing resources, and supporting the UVA community.
If you would like to request an outreach from the PHE or ADAPT, go to tinyurl.com/requestanoutreach and fill out the form. If you would like to talk to a PHE in a one-on-one patient education session about any and all of the above-listed topics, either book a patient education online through healthyhoos.com or walk to the lower level of Student Health.
If you would like to learn more about the Peer Education program or would like to apply, go to our tab in the student health website under “health promotion and wellbeing” > “peer education”. Applications for Fall 2020 are due March 6.
