Roshan B.

Photography by Jess Pentel

If you’re reading this, give yourself grace.

I never really knew how to give a good smile. When my mom and dad would tell me “Say Cheese!” for my  annual birthday party picture, I would give  the most beaming, cheesy grin possible, scrunching my face so hard it became sore after. I couldn’t help it; it was the most genuine smile I had to give . Everyone who saw the picture couldn’t figure out why I didn’t know how to smile and for the longest time, I didn’t know either – until I looked at who was next to me in every single one. My older brother– whose birthday was only four days before mine and shared each party with me– always knew how to put the biggest smile on my face, from the second I was born. 

Growing up, I was the troublemaker of the house – the one that was on a panda backpack leash in Disney World, the one that broke virtually every single thing he touched – but by my side was my best friend, my protector that would tell me when I messed up not to sweat the small things, because it would always be okay in the end. And it always was okay, because no matter what the challenge or obstacle was, I knew I had Rehan, the one person who could make it all better with a simple phone call, the brother who I knew would be my best friend for life. 

I have always been hard on myself. As a perfectionist in an organized, but chaotic way, I continually expected the most from myself and blamed myself when things didn’t go well. My junior year of high school was the toughest, full of late nights writing essays for AP Lang, studying for Calc exams, and doing all of my extracurriculars, all with the ultimate goal to go to my dream school: UVA. I knew nothing else. Rehan would always tell me all the crazy memories and stories of friends-turned-family he experienced during his time there. Hearing about these stories made Rehan’s visits home from UVA that much better; each time he was back, I got to hear about the place I was working towards, a place that helped make Rehan who he is, even after tragically losing his best friend during his first year. 

During breaks, he always made sure to spend a night with me: whether it was  going to the movies, eating enormous amounts of junk food, or playing basketball, but his last break from  college during Spring Break of his fourth year felt different. I saw him for maybe 30 minutes – I was busy with school and clubs, he came home late and had an early flight – but I remember seeing him just to say bye and to have a fun trip, knowing we would go to the movies when he was back. 

Unfortunately, he never came back. I still remember it so clearly: my dad sitting me down after track practice, telling me Rehan was unconscious after a hike in Puerto Rico. I didn’t know what to do with myself, as I was just so sure everything would be okay like Rehan always said, and I would be messing around with him in no time. After sitting around for hours, just as my dad was going to board a last minute flight to go to him, we got the call that he had passed.

It’s hard to describe the feeling. Heartbroken doesn’t even come close. Immediately, I shut down. I called my three best friends and marketing teacher, who had been a mentor and role model for years, and sat there, silent. No one could comprehend why. Why did the world lose such a beautiful, giving, impactful soul?

There are days where I still ask myself this question; hours upon hours my mind races to figure out why. The first few years, I was so hard on myself – blaming myself for not being the best brother I could be, fighting with him over the smallest things and not appreciating what we had – and nothing was getting better. I was constantly in a rut, but a little over a year ago, I decided to go to therapy, something I didn’t know would have the impact it ended up having on me. 

Over the past year, I’ve learned a lot about myself and about grief. Two specific things come to mind. First, my amazing mom and dad, the two strongest people I will ever know, have always told me to honor Rehan’s life by treating the world how he would want to – with kindness, compassion, and cherishing each memory or moment you get. Coming to UVA to do so has been simultaneously the most rewarding thing I will ever do, and Rehan’s scholarship will carry on his legacy forever. 

Second, which is the reason I am able to write to you today, I learned the power of grace. Coming to UVA has also been the most difficult experience, as every day, a different place or part of this school makes me feel him. Every day, memories of him come back to mind. Because Covid suppressed these first year, second year they began to hit me hard. Some days, I would remember him as I walked on the Lawn or by his first year dorm Echols and shut down. I wouldn’t know what to do with myself, and would only get angry with myself for feeling so down. 

Through therapy, treasured moments, and all the beautiful souls I have come across in my time at UVA, I learned to give myself grace. If I was feeling down about Rehan, I let myself feel that sadness. If I was remembering a happy moment with him, I let myself experience the joy and bliss that it brought me. More importantly, however, I started to feel a sense of peace, one that gave me hope that a constant rut was not my future. 

As I am writing this, it’s been over five years since I lost my brother, my role model, and most importantly, my best friend. Not a day has gone by or will ever go by where I won’t think about, grieve, and love Rehan. Even though I don’t know if the day ahead will hold sadness and loss, or if it will be full of joyous memories, I hope I continue to learn more ways to give myself the grace I deserve. 

A good friend shared a poem with me on the fifth anniversary of my brother passing, and it embodies the power of moving with grace. 

“It’s not the weight you carry but how you carry it - 

books, bricks, grief -

it’s all in the way

you embrace it, balance it, carry it

when you cannot, and would not,

put it down.”

~ “Heavy” by Mary Oliver

I hope that if you’re reading this, you know that it is okay to give yourself the grace, patience, and love that you deserve. Let those you hold close be strong for and with you, whether it’s by lending an ear to listen or supporting you when you feel like you don’t have the strength to stay up. Give yourself the time to process, and let yourself take a step back and feel – no matter what it is.

Although I don’t know what my feelings will look like today, tomorrow, or even years in the future, I know that there is no standard for my feelings, because I want them to be honest, productive, and amazing, in the way they need to be. And I know I will always deserve to give myself the grace to feel them, and I know you always will, too.

p.s. never forget to let your people know you love them, and give ‘em a big hug :)

I love you big guy, and know that you will never stop making everyone smile. JustkeePswimming <3 

Roshan B., University of Virginia

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