Rachael M.
Photography by Derek Memmesheimer
If you’re reading this, what are you doing tomorrow?
Growing up and during some of the lowest points of my life, I didn’t feel deserving of seeing tomorrow. For a long time I hated the person I was. I felt like I had no purpose and that people would be better off without me.
I remember how much I stuck out, like a sore thumb. People made fun of my body, the way I dressed more masculine, and that I was one of the only people with curly hair. I didn’t understand what I had done to cause this, so I blamed myself. “If you stop eating and get skinnier people will like you,” “Start dressing more girly and people will compliment you,” “Dye your hair blonde and straighten it everyday to fit in.” I wholeheartedly believed that the bullying was a result of the person I was and that I needed to change. These comments and my mindset sent me into a downward spiral.
I was incapable of being proud of myself. Never letting myself feel good for receiving an A- because it wasn’t an A+. I could always be better. I noticed a continuous sadness but pushed it away. I felt like I had to figure out everything on my own because I had a little sister who looked up to me and the urge to make my parents proud. I didn’t deserve help. It was easier to say I suck and point out all my flaws than to be proud of myself. Happiness felt uncomfortable and I felt undeserving of it. I was just surviving the days.
Middle school ruined me. So, I transferred to a different high school. Through that transition into a new school and all throughout high school, I was forced into therapy. I developed such a negative mindset for receiving care for my mental health. I didn’t want to be forced to talk about everything going on. It felt like the world kept spinning but I was stuck in one place. I dreaded the end of every day because it meant I had to wake up and do it all again tomorrow. I let the opinions of others control my life. I just wanted to fit into a crowd and the societal norms set. I dwelled on the idea of tomorrow and the mystery of what it could bring.
I don’t recognize the girl I used to be.
When I got to college, I finally allowed myself to be me. And I realized how much people adore the things that make you unique. It was a fresh start. With time and hard work, college taught me to forgive myself for the mistakes I made. I started therapy on my own terms with a mindset that allowed me to see how helpful it could be. I applied the skills I learned and continue to learn while being in therapy. You never grow in times of peace.
I still struggle with my mental health, but I am learning and evolving. I don’t always give myself the credit I deserve. I have overcome so many hardships recently that younger of me wouldn’t have. The struggles you go through don’t define you, they teach you how to work through tough times and see beyond them. You need to be selfish and love yourself first. I want you to see that tomorrow is only a day away and the possibilities are endless. So be nice to the people around you - because you never know their story or their struggles.
Rachael M., Virginia Tech
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