Parker M.
Photography by Jadin Nassif
If you’re reading this, it’s okay to look back.
If you’re familiar with Twitter memes, I am an exact replica of the Kim Kardashian one where she calls her mom. Mainly because I inform my mom of my daily inconveniences as they happen, but also because she gives the best advice. Her favorite response is “Well Parker, you can’t look back now.” However, it wasn’t until recently that thought crossed my mind after one of these conversations ended. What happens if I do look back? I started to process my thoughts, and I realized that for most of my life I didn’t look back. I spent so much time ignoring the pain I felt in the past, that I didn’t consider that it could help me grow.
Growing up, I lived in a rural town about an hour from Columbia. Looking back on my elementary and middle school days, from the outside peering in, I was happy. I had good grades, nice clothes, and a friend group to sit with at lunch. What more could a 12-year-old ask for in 2012, a Wii Fit? I felt as if I could conquer the world in August of my sixth-grade year. For the first time, I had the opportunity to escape the anxiety of being at home- my father’s alcoholism, his verbal and physical abuse toward me, and the consistent feeling of never being good enough. That September, my dad threw me into the beige upholstered corner of our couch. My mom filed for a divorce the next day, and I watched my newfound escape route crumble around me.
It was later that week when I heard her favorite response for the first time. She explained to me that while her decision was difficult, we couldn’t look back, because of what was waiting ahead for us. So, I did as I was told, and didn’t look back toward that dark part of our life. Eventually, people stopped talking, and another private family matter took the stage for the town housewives to circulate false speculations about.
During all these weird adjustments, high school slowly began to creep up on the horizon. However, this wasn’t the only adjustment that I was dealing with. In April of 2015 during my drive home with my mom, I was going over my daily inconveniences and included the inconvenience of not liking girls. She paused, looked over at me when we got to the stoplight, and my anxiety disappeared when I heard
“Well Parker, we’re not looking back. I love you.”
Being raised in Prosperity wasn’t always terrible though, I made genuine friendships, grew closer with my sister, and became more confident in myself. My mom and I continued to have these conversations, and I became comfortable moving on after I faced challenges. I graduated from Mid-Carolina High in June of 2019 and moved into The University of South Carolina that fall. The anxiety surrounding my move-in made me hellacious to be around the week of. I was scared and took my anxiety out on my mom by fighting with her over my mirror placement. I made her leave over an argument about Command Hooks versus Command Strips.
It was in room 424’s tear-stained windowsill that I began to look back, as I watched her drive away. I was mortified for acting the way I did and felt the driving need to run after her like they do in those cheesy romantic comedies. It was at that moment, that I found myself looking back at how I got to that dorm and quickly realized that looking back might not always be a terrible thing. I looked back to see the strength I gained by ignoring the rumors of my parent’s split. I looked back and laughed at the memories I made with my true friends after coming out. I looked back and realized the things I feared the most, had the most impact on my character. It was on that windowsill, I realized it was okay to look back on the memories of my life.
Positive, or negative, take the moments where you don’t want to look back and do it. Embrace how you overcame the situation, gained knowledge from how it ended, or created a friendship in the process. Take in who you are in this moment, acknowledge that there are rough patches in everyone’s journey, and always know — it’s okay to look back.
Parker M., University of South Carolina
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