Parker A.
Photography by Derek Memmesheimer
If you're reading this, just know that I am here to talk, but mostly listen to you.
Before reading this letter, we'd like for you to know it discusses Parker A.'s experience with Suicidal Ideation. If you think that reading about this will be triggering for you, we encourage you to take a pause before reading this letter, center yourself, and prepare any resources you may need to access after reading it. If you'd rather not read this letter, we encourage you to read a letter on a different topic, such as Anonymous or Dana Q’s letter. If you're reading this, your feelings are valid.
I have grown up my whole life fatherless. My high pitched voice and ongoing anxiety of starting a conversation due to my speech impediment yielded to middle and high school bullying, along with increased anxiety, depression, and stuttering that lingers slightly in college.
My mental health began to deteriorate during the 2013-14 school year, my seventh grade year. I was pressured into sitting with a group of boys at the lunch table around September 2013. Nearly every lunch, nasty and rude comments were made about my clothes, voice, and weight. I sat at that table for all of seventh grade and half of eighth grade, because when most of the boys saw me offended while walking back to class after lunch, they kept saying that they were “kidding,” and I bought their jokes because of wanting to just fit in. I subjected myself to being bullied even more; I did not tell teachers, guidance counselors, or even my mother, which yielded to increased anxiety and depression to finish middle and almost all of high school.
At fifteen, in the ninth grade, February 2016, I attempted suicide from continued bullying, inappropriate touching in the gym locker room, being the only boy who got nervous and could not play sports with others during gym class, and having daily depression at the time. In Late February 2016, I publicly stated on social media that I attempted suicide; my mom, my only parent, knew about the issue from phone calls of her friends who saw my post. While driving me to karate class that same night, she gave me words of encouragement, but with tough love and with sorrow in her voice; her words have stuck, and still stick with me, because she really needed me to understand that she would be here for me, and she truly needed me here.
Fast forwarding to college, I can say that it’s tough at times. I let my anxiety and depression tell me that I cannot finish college, that I take things way too seriously, and that I will be taken advantage of. After recovering from those negative thoughts in the Fall of 2022, I knew that I needed to prioritize talking about my feelings with the reliable sources at Virginia Tech; I began to see a notable transformation within myself. While I do feel that my education and involvement is important, I also want to take that extra step and find ways to let the Virginia Tech community and other colleges know that my door is open; sharing my story with If You’re Reading This enhances that notion, and I would like to spread some motivation.
You matter, you are loved, you are making a positive impact, you are thriving in life, you have a voice, you are strong, and you are a work of art that’s made to shine. Accept your flaws and talk about your feelings, because you are helping someone out there when you speak up, and always know that someone out there will give you their undivided attention.
Parker A., Virginia Tech
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