Morgan C.

If you are reading this, I hope you learn to befriend your own mind.

I have been playing with the idea of writing this for some time now, but something always seemed to stop me. I would sit and ask myself, “Who am I to speak my story or give any life advice?” “What credentials do I have?” “Why would anyone care what I have to say?” As much as I preach to others that mental illness is a strength and nothing to be ashamed of, I realized that this embedded stigma may have been part of the reason holding me back. But then, I think about how I feel when I read others’ stories. I admire their strength, their honesty, and their vulnerability. Vulnerability does not come easy for me, but I know I always appreciate receiving it from others, and leave feeling more understood, less alone, and gain a new perspective. I hope I have the privilege to do the same for you, whoever is reading this, right now. I feel it is only fair to all of those I try to help, and to myself, that I embody the words I speak so loudly. Which brings me here, being open and vulnerable, writing this to you.

I first started struggling with my mental health at a young age, and those self-deprecating voices only seemed to grow louder throughout adolescence to the point where it became unbearable. Eventually, I gave in to them and I shut down. My peers wouldn’t know though; my sadness felt like a burden, so I constantly put on a smile around others to prevent draining them the way I drained myself. I felt that I was doing them a favor, not wanting to inconvenience anyone with my sadness the way it inconvenienced me. But the second I got alone, the mask fell down and I was suffocated by the weight of the world around me. My mind would tear me apart, keeping me up all night, setting me up for yet another day of exhaustion. It was a cycle I truly thought would never end.

I started to isolate myself. I had lost all interest in any social events: I missed my prom, my best friend’s birthdays, football games I was supposed to be cheering at, high school parties. Any celebration had become something to dread. I didn't want to see anyone. I simply didn’t have the energy I felt they deserved. I just felt so tired. I wanted to help others so badly but my cup was so empty already, I felt hopeless.

I thought what I was feeling was normal, I really did. Until one day, I confided in a friend who then introduced the idea of depression to me, and I was bewildered. I thought there was no way that title could relate to me: I had a roof over my head, food on my plate, a good education, a ton of friends, sports captain, etc. That couldn’t be me. Then I watched a TED talk bluntly called “What is depression,” and realized I had never related to anything more. I felt scared and embarrassed, but simultaneously relieved. What I was experiencing was real. Others felt this too. I wasn’t alone. This was later confirmed by a more reliable source, a psychiatrist, where I was told I have major depression disorder and anxiety. Once putting a name to this disease, I knew I needed to make a lifestyle change in order to keep it from consuming me any longer. 

I made the decision to invest in myself. I was no longer willing to sit and wait for things to get better. I wanted to create my own happiness. I needed to, because the way I was living was unmanageable. Starting was the hardest part: there is so much conflicting information out there on self improvement, making any action so overwhelming when I could barely even get out of bed. I decided to first focus on the basics: sunlight and fresh air became my best friend. I started journaling. I started exercising. I started going to therapy. I started meditating, reading self help books, listening to podcasts, finding different ways of self expression, etc. I started learning about depression, neuroplasticity, and the ability to change your own innate pathways. I started learning about foods full of antioxidants proven to help depression. I started putting in the work to rewire my brain, and have been working on it every day, ever since.

Recently, someone really special to me asked me a deep rooted question: “What is the most misunderstood thing about you?” The first thing that came to my mind was when one of my friends, after finding out I struggle with depression, asked me if I “fake being happy all of the time.” At first I was so offended. It felt extremely invalidating to all of the pain and sadness I have endured, and all of the work I consistently pour into myself to improve. But I now realize I should take it as a compliment for how far that must mean that I have come, and how proud I am of my mindset shift that I have created in the past years.

I truly believe our happiness is in our hands. We can’t do anything about the cards we are dealt, but we can decide how we play them. You have the life changing power to transform your whole mindset, and through this, you will learn the importance of befriending yourself. All of the time and energy you devote to yourself are all mini acts of self-love. When your actions are rooted from a place of love for yourself and knowing what you deserve to feel like, rather than a place of hatred, the journey with yourself and all you discover along the way becomes the best part. I hope your own mind changes from your enemy to your sanctuary, and you become your own safe place.

I don’t believe in being innately a pessimist or an optimist. I believe you can build a positive mindset through your repetitive and conscious effort. You can train your brain to always focus on the good, to seek the good even when it is hard to find. Make the decision to start searching for the good: everyday, in everyone, in every place. Be intentional. It is a choice. I choose to constantly go out of my way to see and find happiness. Once you start searching for it, I promise you will find it. It is everywhere. It is in your friends’ laughter, in the intimate smile from a stranger, in the compliment you got from the coffee shop barista. It is in the groups of strangers becoming friends on Tillman, the sun hitting your face after a spout of rainy days, the sound of your dog's feet dancing when greeting you after a long day of school or work. It is in the kind stranger who lets you merge lanes, the waitress who gives you your coffee for free, the sound of a baby giggling as her dad lifts her on his shoulders. Your favorite song coming on shuffle, the smell of your morning coffee, the flower growing in the cement crack, defying all odds. It is in the light hitting the trees making an extraordinary green, the sound of the waves crashing along the shore, the little paw print marks scattered along the sand. The sun rising and falling every day, putting on a beautiful show for anyone who cares to notice. The man holding the car door open for his wife, or the person letting you cut in the grocery line since you have less items, the tight squeeze from a friend you haven’t seen in months. Humans just being such sweet humans. The list is truly infinite. Happiness, and love are everywhere, when you start looking for them. Something new will always come up that “goes wrong,” but if you learn to focus on these little things and rewire your perspective, that solid base you have built to constantly seek out the good, no matter how little, will never leave you. This gives you the power of positivity in the face of all challenges life will inevitably throw at you. We have no control over our external environment, so it is important to pour into ourselves, creating a stable and loving internal environment.

There will always be something to be upset about or to continue worrying about: you may have gotten an A on your exam this morning but what about the next exam? It is beautiful today but it’s raining tomorrow? You got accepted to four job offers but got denied by one? You found a $1 bill on the ground, but your friend found a $5 bill? You have been pursued by three different people but one doesn’t want you? You have a strong group of friends that have your back, but lost one friend in a fight? If you don’t learn to focus on the small positives and give them more weight, you will never feel content.

I have come to learn that depression is not something I will ever “beat.” It is something I will, and do, carry with me every single day. I will always be more prone to shrink into the darkness and allow it to consume me. That will always be the easier option and it is a constant battle for me to instead, not just face the light but find the light when it is not blatantly there. This was a hard lesson, found through trials of me thinking I have “beaten it” and was happy again only to end up back in a depressive episode the next week. But, even though I won’t ever beat it, that doesn’t mean that I can’t befriend it. I can hold its hand, because depression is a part of me. It is never leaving, but it also doesn’t define me. It is just a little part of the many different things that make me who I am. I am still learning that there is nothing to be ashamed of, and try to refrain from invalidating myself and my emotions. Instead, I am learning to sit with and observe my feelings rather than judge them. The progress is not linear, and unfortunately there is no finish line. There is no immediate reward to the love and energy you constantly need to pour into yourself, and it isn’t the easiest path to take. But it will change your life, and you get a new best friend along the way: yourself.

Despite all of the work I have done, I still have plenty more to do. I still have dark days/weeks where I question why it’s me who has to deal with this, why life can’t just be easier. But, deep down I know why. It has made me a better person: I work hard every day to create my life, and create who I am, out of my why. Through my struggles, I learned the power of kindness. I learned the strength that a small smile can bring, or a two-second “thinking of you” text, or vocalizing a compliment right when it crosses my mind. I learned my mental and physical strength, and the power of discipline. As hard as the things I have faced have been, I wouldn’t take them back because they made me who I am today. They made me resilient, they made me kinder, and they made me a better, more thoughtful person. I am able to share with others, empathize with others, and help others. I want to change the world because of my whys. It is so easy to see the immediate darkness instead of the light it will create in the future. It takes strength to learn to be grateful for those dark times because without them you wouldn’t know light. I feel empowered to guide others through their darkness and to find the light, which I have now realized is always there, we just lose sight of it. I hope to be for others whom I wish I had during my darkest times. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason, and I can now say being able to support and help others from my experiences, is my reason. I am here to spread love, positivity, and companionship because I know what it feels like to feel hopeless and alone.

I encourage you to find beauty in the simplest things. I encourage you to befriend yourself. I encourage you to look for and share love in a world where that isn’t done nearly enough. I know there is hope, I know you have a future, and I know that things will get better. Life will be exciting again. I am choosing to be vulnerable, open, and honest in hopes that it might make you feel more comfortable with your struggle, and potentially do the same. I hope this can give you the confidence to use your voice either to advocate for others, share your story, or reach out for help if you are currently struggling. Know that you are never alone. If you also struggle with your mental health, please realize that I am not going to ask you to be proud of your struggle. I understand that no one chooses to have depression, or anxiety, or any mental illness. But, I do ask for you to be proud of how far you have come, and how you live with it despite the odds. Be proud of the strength it brings you and the wisdom you have gained. Be proud that you are here today, reading this.

Morgan C., Clemson University ‘23

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