May G.
Photography by Jessica Pentel.
If you are reading this, I hope you know that you are beautiful for all of your unique qualities.
I came to America when I was 15 from a small town in China. I had always struggled with embracing my true self and defining friendship.
Being extremely sensitive on the inside and extroverted on the outside, I wanted social approval more than anything. Because of this, I started to adjust the way I talked and the way I dressed so that my peers would see me as one of them. Reality soon struck me: no matter how hard I tried to change myself, I was never satisfied. I did not like who I was becoming and no one truly believed this adjusted version of me. It felt inorganic and suffocating but I didn’t know what else to do.
The desire for social approval soon turned into an eagerness to find a community. I intently searched for friendship. I repeatedly found myself approaching people, investing all my passion and energy into one conversation, and hoping to receive that same energy back from them. Unfortunately I was almost always left with an emotional mismatch and my friendliness was rewarded with no texts back, with promise-breaking, and with cheap excuses. I felt like most, if not all, of my good intention was wasted. I lost faith in the people around me. I was perplexed as to why no one else wanted to connect like I did.
Once I developed this mindset, the way I looked at the friends I already had changed. I thought my current friends were faking their kindness. I started doubting my value as a friend and even as a person. All of these thoughts ended up taking a big toll on me. I looked for a purpose in everything I did. I cared so much about the end result of my actions that I no longer enjoyed the process.
During COVID all of this was magnified and I desperately needed to take action. Talking to a psychiatrist did not help how I wanted it to. I soon realized that the change must come from within.
With this realization, I started reinvesting in the friendships I already had. I allowed myself to feel loved. I still love reaching out and meeting strangers but I no longer think I am weird for that. I recognize that taking initiative is something unique about me and it is exactly what makes me brave and what makes me “me". I no longer beg for reciprocity, instead I offer as much help as I can to others and help them to feel more loved and appreciated. I also began to reinvest in myself, practicing acceptance inside and outside of my multicultural identity.
This has been a long journey exploring the true meaning of friendship and individuality. It might have taken longer for me than it will for others, but that is okay. Sometimes we need to be patient with ourselves.
Hey, if you are reading this, I hope you know that you are beautiful for all of your unique qualities. Don’t be scared to reach out and express yourself and don’t let those who might not appreciate you get in your way. Give yourself time to invest in yourself and it will all work out.
May G., University of Virginia
Connect With Us
To follow IfYoureReadingThis at UVA on Instagram, get in touch with our chapter, and learn about more resources available to University of Virginia students, visit our chapter’s homepage.
