Marisa S.
Photography by Alejo Mejia-Tejada
If you’re reading this, there is hope for better days and healing.
My story began in the midst of the pandemic, a difficult time for us all. For me, in particular, quarantine was a dark time. I struggled with feelings of deep sadness and exhaustion. I’d begun binge eating, purging and restricting food in February of 2020. I also later began abusing high-intensity exercise. The uncertainty and unstableness of the world escalated these habits as food and my body felt like the only things I could control.
I started college at Clemson that August in my home but eventually moved on campus in September. By October, my feelings of sadness and disordered eating habits had escalated, and I had become quite skilled at hiding them. However, the time came for me to come forward and ask for help. From there, I was moved out of the residence hall and back home with my parents. Within the same week, I was diagnosed with bulimia nervosa and clinical depression.
That November, I started seeing an eating disorder specialist and a nutritionist. I even joined a support group. Most of my time was spent focusing inward, trying to get better, which left little room for others.
I was isolated from the college experience and my friends; this process was extremely painful and lonely. I watched my peers enjoy their first year of college while I recovered at home. By March of 2021, I was ready to live on my own, although being watched closely by my family. When freshman year ended, I felt accomplished, healthier, and ready to get my “real” college experience started.
By July of 2021 I was feeling better and began to see a light at the end of the tunnel. That light quickly burned out when I received the call that a friend of mine had lost his life to mental illness. The grief I experienced was unlike any grief I’d faced before. When I began sophomore year, I looked around and saw my peers accustomed to their college lives while I felt several steps behind them. I felt like grief and recovery kept me stationary, never moving forward.
As the year went on, a lot of my struggles led to intense social anxiety. If you knew me in high school, I was quite the social butterfly. I was never afraid to make a new friend. Suddenly, I couldn’t breathe in a room full of people. I would’ve rather stayed silent than said the wrong thing. I was terrified to speak to peers in my classes, fellowship groups, and other social gatherings. As a result, I would often isolate myself. I struggled to find community in my own hometown.
Eventually, I found people I was comfortable with and began cultivating new friendships. Even so, I continued to struggle silently with my grief and depression. Towards the end of the year, I gathered some of the only confidence I had left and put myself in the running for a dance team. I faced rejection when I felt like I needed a win. As my sophomore year ended, I started to become comfortable in my pain, sitting in it instead of finding a way through it.
That summer, my two-year relationship ended, and my losses grew. The school year started, and I decided to go back to therapy. I began seeing a grief and depression therapist to heal the sorrows that had taken deep roots in me. Through my junior year, I experienced my worst days with depression. I wrestled with my self-worth and worked with my therapist on building my self-esteem back up. I worked hard to bring joy and stability back into my life.
Since then, I have made incredible progress with my mental and physical health and view of my college experience. Senior year has brought me some of my happiest days. Coping with depression is not easy, but I have proven to myself that it is possible. I have found ways to quiet my anxiety around my social life and my self-esteem. My friendships have shown me that I can be myself fully, whatever that may look like. I’ve learned that I can move and heal my body in healthy ways through intuitive eating, dance, and yoga. I am now a Clemson Tiger Strut dance team member, a rewarding time that has felt like a dream. Along with my campus involvement, my church college group and my love for Christ has grown through the atmosphere and people at Cooperative Student Fellowship.
College has not been everything I dreamed it would be, and that is okay. I still have days that I have to remind myself how much I have learned and gained. All the while preparing to do what I love most: teaching and caring for young children. As I move forward, I hold onto what is good, believing that the difficult things we experience make the light a little brighter on better days.
Marisa S., Clemson University
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