Katie G.
Photography by Alejo Mejia-Tejada
If you’re reading this, know that moving on does not mean letting go.
Grief is inevitable in life, but somehow we are never prepared for it. At least I wasn’t back in 2019 when I lost one of my friends to suicide. Grief is supposed to be something you experience when you are older, so how was I supposed to process such a complex cycle of emotions as a young adult? To be honest, there is no formula that could ever heal you from the mental stress of losing a loved one, but somehow we all end up okay in the end. If you find yourself struggling, here are somethings that worked for me:
Talk it out.
The days following my friend’s death I didn’t get out of bed. My mom forced me to go to school just to get back into a routine, and I couldn’t tell you anything that happened those first few days back. I spent my time in the counseling center, staring at an empty Google Doc where my schoolwork was supposed to be. School, for the first time in my life, became the least important thing to me. Instead of going to class, I talked to anyone who would listen. I shared stories of her, cried, and even sat in silence with whoever was tasked with keeping me company. The ironic thing was that the only person I wanted to talk to about how I was feeling was no longer there, and I knew that void was never going to be filled. However, talking through my emotions with a trusted adult is what saved me during what was the darkest time of my life.
2. Death ends a life, not a relationship.
Something that I learned in therapy that was extremely helpful is that grief is not the enemy, rather the price we pay for loving so deeply. This completely reshapes the role of grief in your brain and allows for healing. It allowed me to see that grief was not the enemy and actually a great learning tool. Grief taught me so much about myself and my relationship with my friend, Jamison. I never knew how much of an impact she had on my life until she was gone. It is unfortunate that it took her passing for me to realize this, but the grief taught me how our friendship shaped me into the person I am today, and her death could never take that away.
3. Grief is infinite.
I know, I know, it’s the last thing you want to hear. When you’re grieving, you just want to see the light at the end of the tunnel. When I was told that grief never ends, I was overwhelmed and thought that I was always going to be in an extreme state of depression and anxiety, but this is not true. Yes, you are going to be sad sometimes, but it comes in waves. I like to think of it as the ocean. There is the normal calmness of the sea and then all of a sudden a set of big waves come crashing through, then the water settles and the cycle repeats. This is what they mean by grief is infinite. You are going to have great days where you don’t even think about the loss, but when it hits you, like around the holidays or important anniversaries, you feel like you have been run over by a semi-truck. It is your job to learn how to swim. The key is to surround yourself with people you trust and use your coping techniques to ride out the wave because the one thing I can guarantee you is that the water will always settle back down again.
4. Know your triggers.
Have you ever heard of the anniversary effect? Basically, it is any unsettling memories or feelings that are triggered by the anniversary of an event. For me, I will experience this during the holidays, the anniversary of my friend’s death, or on her birthday. This is because my brain stores memories with these dates and because I have unresolved grief, I can have reactions similar to those that patients with post-traumatic stress disorder experience. Everyone is triggered by different things and everyone’s triggers are valid. Most of the time, it comes on so suddenly and I am quickly overwhelmed by a panic that entraps me. This is why it is important that I keep the dates mentioned above in mind so I can prepare to counteract this panic with my coping techniques. It can take a while to track your responses to situations, but once you know what triggers your reactions, the grief will be much easier to control.
5. Moving on does not mean letting go.
My fifth and final piece of advice is, in my opinion, the most important one. If you only take one thing away from this letter, let it be that moving on does not mean letting go. You are allowed to make new friends. You are allowed to delete their number from your phone. You are allowed to not return home for memorial events. This is the thing that I struggled the most with. I felt that everything I did that was considered “progress” was somehow erasing her from my life. There is a difference between moving on and moving forward. A person can leave the physical world, but their love can never leave your heart. Your job is to move forward letting the love they left in your heart guide you through the rest of your journey.
Healing is a marathon, not a sprint. Do not think that you can love and not experience grief, because they go hand in hand. It is what makes us human, and we must recognize that it is inevitable if we love so deeply. Time will pass and the pain will begin to fade, but the memories will stick with you forever. Your job now is to live a life that you’re proud to tell them about one day.
Katie G., Clemson University
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