Joseph H.
Photography by Jessica Pentel.
Before reading this letter, we'd like for you to know it discusses Joseph H’s experience with the loss of a loved one. If you think that reading about this will be triggering for you, we encourage you to take a pause before reading this letter, center yourself, and prepare any resources you may need to access after reading it. If you'd rather not read this letter, we encourage you to read a letter on a different topic, such as Dana Q’s letter. If you're reading this, your feelings are valid.
If you’re reading this, allowing yourself to be vulnerable is one of the most difficult, and strongest things you can do.
My first semester at UVA began just like everyone else’s. I was learning the ins and outs of college: making new friends, refiguring my study habits, and beginning to learn how to live on my own. Eventually, the confusion and chaos of the first-year life fizzled out, and I was really starting to feel comfortable in my new environment.
Right as the wheels of my college life began to turn, everything was flipped upside down. On October 29th, 2019, my older brother Jackson passed away unexpectedly at the age of 21. He was a young man who radiated love and lived every moment of his life to the fullest. Everyone whom Jackson touched throughout his years was completely devastated by the loss.
The month I spent at home following his death was the darkest period of my life. This was the first challenge I had ever faced that I couldn’t rationalize or work around: death had taken my brother and there was nothing I could do about it. As a nineteen-year-old college student, these are some of the most impossible circumstances imaginable. Soon, living at home with constant reminders of my brother, and away from my friends, became unbearable. In December, I decided to return to UVA to finish the Fall semester.
Looking back, getting a change of scenery was great, but I was wrong to assume that everything would be better once I got back to school. After just a month since Jack passed, he was still on my mind every day. Many of my friends reached out to me during this time, but I did not open up to them because I wanted to be strong. I was tired of being sad all the time, I just wanted to keep moving with my life. Eventually, balancing school and these very fresh emotions became too difficult. My mother and father, seeing that I was still struggling, strongly encouraged me to reach out to the Counseling and Psychological Services here at UVA. To me, therapy seemed unnecessary because I’m not a very “emotional” guy. Further, I felt like going to therapy meant I was somehow broken or weak. Despite this, I agreed to try it to appease my parents.
I consider this decision to be a major turning point in my grief process; CAPS ended up helping me in ways I could have never imagined. Therapy sessions provided me a place and time where I finally felt comfortable to share my emotions fully. My counselor, who I am so grateful for, showed me how to let my guard down and reckon with my grief. Once I got used to expressing my emotions in therapy, it became much easier to express them to friends and family. I finally became comfortable with telling people that I wasn’t okay, that some days were much harder than others. It was not easy sharing my struggles, but it was so relieving to give myself credit for my difficult situation. What’s more, allotting time every week to focus on expressing my grief gave me more time to focus on the rest of my life (school, relationships, etc.), when I wasn’t at CAPS.
While I wish my battle with grief and depression could have ended there, the truth is it’s not over, and I continue to use therapy. The hole in my heart that Jack left will never go away. Now especially, maintaining mental health in isolation is extremely difficult. I can see it in people’s faces everywhere – we collectively are having a hard time. It seems like a good day in the era of COVID is increasingly harder to come by. However, they still come, and when yours come, take some time to check on the people around you.
If you’re reading this, no matter how tough you want to be, you are human, and sometimes you’re going to need somebody to lean on.
Joseph H., University of Virginia
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