Jaylah H.

Photography by Jessica Pentel

 If you’re reading this, it’s okay to feel scattered.

On most days, it is not uncommon that I wake up feeling off-kilter and mildly disordered. I’m sure many have experienced a similar sensation at the start of each day. there’s always something to be done; some task that demands your attention or a series of meetings awaiting you. there’s a to-do list that stretches on to eternity. there’s an inbox that doesn’t stop notifying you. 

I get overwhelmed just thinking about it. 

Time is rarely dedicated to slowing down… to processing and piecing together what exactly is going on (or not going on). This has been my experience long before coming to college, and I often fear it could be my fate after graduation. The seemingly incessant call to always be productive; to always be booked and busy.

I’ve fallen into the said pattern of behavior more times than I’d earnestly like to admit. I get hyperextended and overwhelmed; I experience severe anxiety attacks (and routinely feel ashamed by how paralyzed I become in the midst of one). Although I’m far more equipped to manage my stress and anxiety now (kudos to my former therapist), I still go through long periods where I feel stranded in a sea of staggering struggles. I often forget there are support networks available to me – even when said supports have repeatedly reminded me of their presence (which I’m incredibly grateful for). 

I lead with all this because I know others may experience a similar sensation of drowning in the depths of responsibilities, obligations, and deadlines… often with no lifeboat in immediate sight. 

I turn to one of the revelations that the pandemic presented me with: the value of intentionality. More specifically, the value of intentionally carving out space for myself to evaluate the sources of stress and, more importantly, sources of joy. I characterize it as reserving time to organize some order amongst the chaos. Yes, finding some order can be writing a to-do list. However, it can also be blocking out small (but frequent) moments throughout the day to reflect, show some gratitude, and celebrate showing up for myself and the communities I care about. 

I remind myself there is power in extending grace to myself and others. There is power in asking for support and showing others I care.

I also remind myself that scatteredness should be expected because our environments are constantly bombarding us with new information. We exist within webs that are intricately connected and ever-evolving. it’s almost inevitable we’ll get tangled up in them from time to time. In those moments, where it’s easy to get trapped in how fragmented everything feels, it’s even more crucial to take that extra pause, breathe deeply, and name what emotions are arising.  

You’ve got to name the emotion so you can begin to let it go. so it can be released and laid to rest. so you can relieve a little pressure off your mind and create space for more peace. in doing so, you may uncover more order amongst the chaos. it may come back around it but every time you face it, you’ll get a little better at managing it. you’ll grow. Maybe in the most minute ways, but it is growth, nevertheless.

Two years ago, I realized a lot of my scatteredness derived from not knowing what my most “authentic” self was. I struggled to accept that I straddle contrasting images of self. Occasionally, I’d joke that my code-switching button was malfunctioning. In reality, I was placing constraints on my self-expression and aspiring to narrow definitions of “perfection” that remain pervasive throughout today’s culture. I struggled to navigate the intersections of my identities and my mind was focused on meeting everyone else’s expectations. 

I had to disrupt that internal dialogue and learn how to step into the range of my power. I had to develop a practice for protecting my peace. This started with being more intentional with defining my boundaries and explicitly owning the emotions I feel – both positive and negative. I name them, claim them, and expand my ability to experience them in their fullness. Instead of outright rejecting the scatteredness of my mind, I invite it to enrich my perspectives and bring me closer to a deeper understanding of the world’s complexities. 

In a conversation with a dear friend earlier this semester, we discussed the challenges we face with self-expression, particularly as Black women attending a historically white institution. At one point, we noted our similar difficulty in dealing with distorted notions of authenticity. During our reflection, I remarked:

it’s not about finding one “authentic” self; it’s about embracing all the ways you get to be authentic. 

That includes embracing the parts of yourself that, at first glance, appear disorderly or disjointed. Those are the parts that offer some of the greater possibilities for self-discovery. You don’t have to confine yourself to one way of living and being. Every day you can wake up and express a different version of yourself. 

You don’t have to make a drastic difference, but I implore you to make an intentional one. maybe tomorrow’s version of you drinks more water or calls home more regularly. ‘tomorrow you’ could communicate their needs and ask for support without shame. Maybe, ‘tomorrow you' could remind someone else that support is available to them. 

In brief, scatteredness is a state of mind we all ebb and flow through, albeit not always gracefully. confronting our struggles —whether about identity, authenticity, or mental health— is an uphill battle that we cannot fight alone. Hold with you the gentle reminder that there is always something or someone that can you ground back in the present. 

And, above all else, give your permission to feel scattered now and then. 

I promise there is some semblance of sense, more support, and potentially greater sanity, on the other side of that embrace.

Jayla H., University of Virginia ‘22/’23

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