Izzy R.
Photography by Cassie English
If you’re reading this, the monsters won’t win.
I’ve struggled with feelings of depression for the majority of my time in college. It’s a constant battle, but at the same time, it has given me an interesting and wonderful perspective on my mental illness.
In some of my most self-aware moments, where I came through the darkness just enough to see things clearly, I realized that I see depression as its own entity. As if it’s a little monster that lives in your brain and continues to chew up the wires of how you function. Sometimes he takes a big old chunk out of the happiness and sends fiery sparks flying for a while and other times he’s nibbling away at your motor functions leaving you holed up in bed for days. Sometimes, the damage seems so intense that it feels like it may never be fixed, or your little monster grows so big you’re sure he’ll destroy it all for good.
But here is the secret, your monster is not you. The thoughts he whispers, the secrets he tries to get you to keep, and the lies he feeds you are just that, lies. You are so much stronger and smarter than your monster, and you have the control.
Now don’t get me wrong, he can be unruly and devious and downright obnoxious at times, but at the end of the day your monster does not define you. And with the right set of tools, people you can trust, and a damn good electrician, your monster doesn’t stand a chance.
This idea saved my life. I found myself at an extremely low point this year where I couldn’t remember the last time I’d gotten out of bed and showered, let alone the last time I’d truly smiled. My wires were mangled, tangled, and sparking, but recognizing that I still had agency over my own mind and my monsters don’t control me was the rope thrown over the cliff to pull me to safety. I began to see that I had taken my depression and intertwined it with my own identity and how I saw myself. It became so normal that I started to believe the broken wires were just a part of who I was that would never go away; I started to believe that my monster was just me. But the truth is I am so much more than that, you are so much more than that.
When you separate your mental illness from your personality and your being, you will start to see that there is still so much life inside of you. So much light, so much joy, and so much hope that will always outshine the shitty wire system. It’s ok to tell the monsters “Not today, Satan!” and go find your damn good electrician. For me that meant being honest with my friends and family about how I was really feeling, starting therapy and medication for the first time in my life, and prioritizing my mental health and wellbeing.
So, if you’re reading this and feel like your monster is chopping extra hard on your wires today, remember that the monsters won’t win.
Izzy R., Arizona State University
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