Isabel H.
Photography by Colleen Charchut
If you’re reading this, your younger self would be proud of you.
A few weeks ago, on my 21st birthday, I sat in bed crying looking out over the Evanston skyline as I looked through photos of my younger self. They were tears of joy– a “you made it” moment.
Growing up with anxiety and OCD, I got used to my mind lying to me. In the height of a panic attack, I would think *this is never going to end*, and in my happiest moments, I could feel myself lift out of my body as if to tell my present self, *this is going to end soon,* accompanied by a feeling of impending doom. I used to count down the years, weeks, and even days until my next doctor's appointment because I was so scared of the prospect of getting shots. This was a daily occurrence; never quite living in the moment, having to sit in the icky feelings for what felt like forever and barely getting to cherish the happy ones.
There are times in my life that I can remember sitting in my childhood bed thinking, “When I am older, I am going to remember this exact moment and how I was feeling.” It was a way for me to feel connected to myself in some futuristic way because I struggled so much with staying present.
So, on my birthday this year, I checked back in with one of those memories and paid little Isabel a visit. While I was looking at old pictures of me throughout elementary school, I started to cry. If you knew to look for it, you would be able to see the nubs that I called fingernails, bitten all the way to the nailbed and then some. While that isn’t a habit I have totally grown out of, it is now something I am facing in college in a new city with a new wardrobe and new friends and a healthier mindset. To younger Isabel, this would have seemed impossible – I first had to get through my next doctor's appointment, duh.
If you are reading this, check back in with your younger self. They probably think you are pretty damn cool for getting to where you are now. And even if you aren’t where you thought you would be, I am sure your younger self would be proud of how far you’ve come.
Isabel H., Northwestern University
Connect With Us
To follow IfYoureReadingThis at Northwestern on Instagram, get in touch with our chapter, and learn about more resources available to Northwestern students, visit our chapter’s homepage.
AUTHOR CONTACT
This author has opted to allow readers who resonate with their story to contact them. If you would like to speak to the author of this letter about their experience, please use the form below.
