Heidi R.
Photography by Sophia Soberon
If you’re reading this, you can find joy even if it feels far away.
The person with whom I fit, who gave me the greatest joy in life, was killed by celebratory gunfire on New Year’s Eve many years ago when we were just becoming our adult selves. She was my cousin (and biological half-sister, as our mothers are identical twins), and we were born only five months apart. When she died, I spoke these words over and over: “I will never feel real, pure joy again.” The only way I learned any healing was writing about her and creating solo performances to share her poetry and our story, speaking her back to life, if only through this single voice and body.
Through writing and performance, I kept Amy with me and was able to open up to life again. I met a guy who became my husband and helped me reinvent joy. Then having my son and daughter redefined joy and brought me more than I thought humanly possible. Lately, though, I’ve been feeling Amy slip further away, dwelling in her absence again and needing her consciousness close to me. And so I turned to her poems once more and created a play that celebrates women’s friendships and mother-daughter relationships, and that also accepts loss. In this play, Between Girls…Absent and Present, Ali A., Grace D., Julianna R., Katie T., Monica G., Olivia H., Rachel R., and Sophia S. are bringing new life to Amy’s words. I wish she were here to meet them, and the pain of her absence is forever. But now they are the ones speaking Amy back to life, and this has given me a new joy, even more powerful because it was unexpected.
Heidi Rose, Professor of Performance Studies
Department of Communication
Connect With Us
To follow IfYoureReadingThis at Villanova on Instagram, get in touch with our chapter, and learn about more resources available to Villanova students, visit our chapter’s homepage.
AUTHOR CONTACT
This author has opted to allow readers who resonate with their story to contact them. If you would like to speak to the author of this letter about their experience, please use the form below.
