Hailey R.
Photography by Jessica Pentel.
If you’re reading this, your biggest challenge may be overcoming your own mind. But you can do it.
My first semester wasn’t perfect. I had expected to travel to my dream school, 500 miles from my New England home to bask in my newfound freedom among the ancient brick buildings. Sure, I was nervous about making friends, about how hard my classes would be, how I was going to survive on dining hall food. But what I hadn’t expected was that my own mind would be the biggest hurdle I had to conquer.
It started slowly: there were little nagging thoughts. I don’t belong here. I’m a horrible person. I’m a sham. I am the antithesis of UVA. When everyone finds out who I really am, they’ll hate me. At first, I tried to brush them aside. These were just nerves from being in a new place. But soon, I couldn’t brush them away anymore. They began to expand, making it difficult to concentrate on anything. I couldn’t sleep, study, enjoy time with friends. But the worst part about these thoughts wasn’t that they interrupted my everyday life. The worst part was that I started to believe them.
In my mind, I was that horrible person. It wasn’t just my brain was giving me “bad data” as my therapist and parents labeled the invasive thoughts, these statements and thoughts were true. Every time I made a friend or simply met someone new, I knew they would hate me if they really knew who I was. So I stayed silent. I didn’t tell any of my friends how I was feeling, for fear that they would just affirm what I already knew about myself. I relied on my therapist and parents for help: constantly asking them if I was a horrible person, if I had done something wrong. I couldn’t see that these feelings, these horrible thoughts, were products of a mental illness. They were too tangible, too real.
I finally received a diagnosis in mid-October: Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, or OCD. OCD, contrary to popular belief, is not just excessive tidiness. It brings along feelings of guilt, invasive thoughts, and a never-ending need for affirmation. It got a little easier once I had a diagnosis. I was able to focus on the issue in therapy and start taking medication. But the hardest, most impactful part of my recovery was still to come: training myself to recognize that the thoughts disparaging my worth were just that. Just thoughts, not realities. When I had an invasive thought, I forced myself to label it. I gave it shape and form in my mind, adding it to my mental jar for storage. This was a jar of bad data, of false thoughts that I collected, rather than acknowledging. And slowly but surely, with the help of friends, family, and therapy, I was able to change the way I saw those thoughts. I was able to regain agency over my mind.
My story isn’t a success story. There are days when I still fall prey to believing the horrible thoughts that spring into my head. That will probably never change. But what has changed is that now I’ve learned how to fight. And now I know that I can overcome those thoughts. Because I’m stronger than my own mind. And so are you.
Hailey R., University of Virginia
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