Grace F.
Photography by Ben Curry
If you’re reading this, you don’t always have to fake it ‘til you make it.
Growing up, I learned to bottle up my emotions and pretend to be the most cheerful, joyful person you ever saw. Yet, deep down I struggled with depression and anxiety. There were many days that I would come home completely exhausted from putting on a happy face; I would crawl into my bed, with the utmost dread, unable to escape my true feelings.
I began my first year of college at the University of Virginia, brimming with hope. However, I quickly realized that simply starting a new chapter of my life would not eliminate my consuming depression and anxiety. I tried everything I could do to fit in and feel happier; I saw a therapist, did acupuncture, auditioned for an acapella group, and even tried out for the equestrian team (I hadn’t ridden a horse in 8 years). Weekends were extremely lonely because I felt too depressed to go to parties and socialize. Everyone else seemed like they belonged at UVA and had it all together. I compared my insides to everyone else’s outsides and came up way short. To make matters worse, my parents were divorcing and I unknowingly was struggling with a staph and MRSA infection in my stomach. Meanwhile, I didn’t tell anyone how I was really feeling and continued to outwardly hold it all together.
I decided to transfer to CC, in hopes that a new place would ameliorate my college experience. While I did find amazing friends and enjoyed learning in a smaller classroom environment, I still struggled. As Confucious once said “No matter where you go, there you are.” The depression and anxiety transferred schools with me. I felt like I was losing myself and that there was nothing that could pull me out of the deep, dark hole I was in. Eventually it became unbearable; I called my mom and asked for help because I did not want to live anymore. I didn’t want to die per se, but I wanted to get away from the pain of living.
My mom encouraged me to reach out for help, and I met with a school psychiatrist who prescribed antidepressants. Going on medication was something I had tried to avoid because I was afraid of what people would think of me. But once I started opening up and talked to my friends and family about what was really going on, I realized that I was not the only one experiencing these painful emotions. And, I was not the only one taking medication. Being able to let go of putting on that happy face all the time was a relief and allowed me to heal and find solace in the company of others.
Ultimately, I started the IfYoureReadingThis Chapter here at CC because I wanted to ensure my fellow students that they are not alone. Matter of fact, I learned that isolating from others is one of the worst things you can do. Asking for help is actually a sign of strength, not weakness. It takes courage, and you might very well find out that the person you are closest to is also struggling. We are all in this together. So let’s open up and let each other know what’s really going on inside because no one needs to do it alone.
If you’re reading this, it’s ok to be vulnerable.
Grace F., Colorado College ‘22
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