Brooks F.
Photography by Riley Rutand
If you’re reading this, remember we will not be defined by our mental illness. It will not win.
When I was in elementary school, I struggled immensely with this constant fear of death. I was young, healthy, athletic, and had no logical reason to think I could suddenly die, but I fed into intrusive thoughts that my heart would simply stop beating at any given moment.
I knew that sudden death wasn’t a thought that I should give any attention to because of its irrationality, but I found it so hard to shake. This led to me holding back in everything. I stopped liking things that kids are supposed to absolutely love, like tubing behind the boat at the lake, running the mile in PE class, and just enjoying things because of this fear that was running my life.
As middle school approached and I was able to outgrow these thoughts, I never really was able to escape the anxiety. I used to get so angry that it felt like all of my peers around me were able to operate without the extreme worry and fear I felt. While I know that’s not true, it felt incredibly isolating anyway.
Middle and high school were rollercoasters. Anxiety drove the car and I rode in the back seat. My motivation was lacking because of the hopelessness I felt. I was a people pleaser in my friend group because I hated the idea of letting someone down or someone being mad at me. I was moody with my parents because I just didn’t feel like they understood me. I was chained down by this mental illness that I thought would steer me for the rest of my life.
But that’s not where this story ends. My journey with mental illness is a story of redemption, grace, and victory! In 2020 at the end of my sophomore year of college, I stepped way out of my comfort zone and went out for the Clemson cheer team. It was always a pipe dream of mine because my party trick was the ability to do a backflip. The pandemic had left me bored and searching for something, and I just decided to go for it. Even though I had no experience or any neat skills, my coach saw something in me and gave me a chance.
Being a Clemson cheerleader flipped college upside down in the best way possible. I was surrounded by teammates who were supportive and loving, I was getting my pandemic body back into shape, and I had the opportunity to represent my school and be a part of something bigger than myself. Everything should be perfect, right? Wrong. Anxiety doesn’t care what mountain peak you’re standing on. It pursues you and makes sure to stand in the way of you fully enjoying anything. And that’s when I decided I had enough.
In the summer of 2021, after a lot of reflection and internal battle, I decided my life was passing me by and I wasn’t able to fully enjoy these moments because of anxiety. So strategically, while my mom was on a girls trip in NYC, I sent her a text telling her I needed to get help. I allowed anxiety to tell me that she would respond with anger, but in reality it was met with warmth and understanding. That’s another thing about this mental illness. I had trained my brain to live in the worst case scenario in all situations. Not for much longer though.
I began seeing a therapist who specializes in anxiety for young adults in the fall of 2021, and I’m not sure how I went almost 22 years without it. I am now offered a safe space to share my thoughts, process them, and if they don’t benefit me, send them running for the hills. I’ve discovered that there is life out there, free from the restraints of anxiety. I have my hard days, but I can tell you one thing: Anxiety is no longer driving this car, I am. Now, I know my life will not be marked by sitting out on the side because of the fear of not succeeding, but rather trying new things, putting myself out there, and living without constant fear. Failure does not mean that I’m done for. It just means I get to stand back up and try again.
If you’re reading this and struggling, keep fighting. If your victory today was getting out of bed, or just getting that one homework assignment in on time, I am so proud of you. I know exactly what it feels like to be there, and I want you to know that there is life out there. Whenever you’re ready, you’ve got a really big team ready to cheer you on.
Brooks F., Clemson University
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