Gabi F.
Photography by Ally Szabo
If you're reading this, know that it's okay to be at war with your own mind.
Growing up as an athlete shaped me in many ways that I'm still unraveling. It instilled in me a drive for perfection, a constant push to excel, and a resilience that masks vulnerabilities. On the surface, I might appear as "the loudest person in the room" — outgoing, always quick with a smile, and ready with a greeting for everyone. But, even as the "loudest person in the room,” I've learned that sometimes the loudest battles are fought in silence. There's a much quieter part of me that wrestles with doubts, anxiety, and the weight of expectations.
In the world of sports, there's a heavy emphasis on performance. Mistakes are scrutinized, weaknesses targeted, and the spotlight rarely dims. This environment, while fostering growth and discipline, can also cultivate a mindset where self-worth becomes entangled with success. Every setback feels like a personal failure, every stumble a blow to the identity.
This mindset doesn't fade with the final salute or the last competition of the season. It follows us into our everyday lives, shaping our interactions and responses. For me, it meant always striving to be the best version of myself, pushing myself past limits, and hiding moments of vulnerability and the weight of my mental health.
My journey has been marked by victories and setbacks, both on and off the competition floor. Shortly after the beginning of last semester (Spring 2024), I found myself facing yet another battle: waves of panic attacks. I had assumed that these struggles would subside with my retirement from competitive trampoline and power tumbling, but instead, I lived in a constant cycle of fight or flight mode, anticipating the next panic attack.
This experience further highlighted one defining aspect of my journey: my ongoing battle with compartment syndrome. This condition not only impacts my physical well-being but also takes a toll on my mental health. It's a constant reminder of the intricate connection between physical health and mental health, showing how challenges in one area can permeate every aspect of our lives.
There are days when the weight of it all feels overwhelming, when simply walking across campus is a victory in itself. In those moments, I remind myself that it's okay to not be okay. It's okay to ask for help, to seek support, and to take the time needed to heal.
The journey to feeling okay is a long one, but as I have learned through my experiences, the passage of time brings growth and resilience. The struggles may persist, but so does our capacity to weather them. Each day brings its own challenges and victories, and it's okay if progress feels slow or if setbacks occur. Learning to live with these fluctuations is part of the journey toward self-acceptance and inner peace.
Gabi F., Villanova University
Connect With Us
To follow IfYoureReadingThis at Villanova on Instagram, get in touch with our chapter, and learn about more resources available to Villanova students, visit our chapter’s homepage.
AUTHOR CONTACT
This author has opted to allow readers who resonate with their story to contact them. If you would like to speak to the author of this letter about their experience, please use the form below.
