Craig N.
Photography by Craig N.
If you’re reading this, it is never too late.
Where do I begin? This is one of the hardest things I have ever done.
Have you ever had regret after regret, and no matter how much conviction you have in your decisions, you still fail? Have you ever wanted to have a positive impact, but somehow every time you still slip up? Have you ever worked so hard to prove to yourself and others you can change for the better, but always felt like you fall short? Have you ever felt unfulfilled despite achieving goals? Have you ever asked yourself: what is the point of living every day when you feel like a waste of space? These are questions I used to ask myself every day.
Used to.
I was losing connections, friends, motivation, and my overall sense of self. This happened rapidly since the pandemic started. As a minority coming into Villanova, I wanted to be a role model for other students who looked just like me. Many students are afraid of attending a PWI because they fear they won’t fit in, or even scarily be left out. I was never scared of the judgment of being an African American finance major who skated and wore shredded vans to class every day who did not fit the norm of a typical “finance bro”, but I was scared I was not fit to be a leader. I put a lot of pressure on myself while in school as I saw that as the biggest opportunity to create a positive impact as I had no friends in my new hometown in Connecticut. I was alone. I wanted to overcompensate for my situation through external forces and blamed them for my own frustrations instead of looking introspectively, which was my biggest downfall. Looking back, I hate the person I was and the negative impact I had on those around me, but now I have used that as motivation to be the strongest, kindest, and most resilient person I have ever been.
Every instance I had with others I was afraid of saying the wrong words, not smiling enough, and overall, not doing the right thing. I put so much pressure on myself to the point where when I could not figure out what the “right thing” to do was in situations, I would crawl back into my shell and completely turn myself off from the world. I became a coward and deemed myself unfit to really make a difference, and eventually live in this world. I did not want to show others that I was struggling because I did not know the right way to. When I did, I came across the wrong way, and projected those negative feelings in a way that ended up causing so much pain. Many people went to me for help and advice, and I never felt like I could say no because I wanted to portray being my best self even though I was only a fraction of it. I felt I was never doing enough, and never felt satisfied because I still made detrimental mistakes. The feelings I had led to sleepless nights, headaches, and a lot of heartaches. How do I contribute to this world, and where do I begin?
When you feel this way, the best thing you can do is take a step back, and work on yourself. No one fully understood me and looking back that is totally okay because I didn’t myself. You may not understand where you fit or your purpose right away, tomorrow, or even in a year. Sometimes you may think you know what your purpose in this world is, but one experience can change that. It is never too late to know this. For some people, it just clicks, and for others, it is a longer, gradual process. It is important that you stay open-minded and do not let your environment hinder you. Take every opportunity you see to grow, understand yourself and the world around you better. The most important action you can take in life is never giving up, and in the moments where you feel down and out and still find the will to continue are the moments where you will understand how much you are worth.
To understand how you can have a positive impact on this world through your passions, you have to start small and find what is best for yourself, and believe me when I say this: It is never too late to find out.
I did not know what it meant to be mentally unstable until it was too late. All sense of motivation, gone. All sense of fulfillment, gone. All sense of self, gone. Will it ever get better? I did what people would always say: find a hobby that makes you happy, surround yourself with positivity, distract yourself, do something you love. But band-aids do not fix bullet holes and the underlying feeling of uselessness still lingered. At a certain point, since I could not find happiness in anything I did for myself, the only sense of fulfillment I gained was through making others happy without wanting anything in return. I put on a fake smile and did whatever I could to be the best person I can for others and not myself because there was no point in even trying. I figured no one would want to be around someone who is damaged and suffering internally, so instead of opening up about how I felt, I stood in my shell. I did not want to show others that I was struggling because I did not know the right way to. Many people went to me for help and advice, and I never felt like I could say no because I wanted to portray being my best self even though I was only a fraction of it.
For a while, I tried to figure out if what I wanted to do in this world would be worth it. Who will benefit from it? What are the costs? Do people even share the same vision as I do? And the best part is that I still do not know the answers to these questions. And it is never too late to figure them out.
Craig N., Villanova University
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