Carolina B.

Photography by Taormina Cosomano

If you’re reading this, it’s okay to talk about it.

This is not a story about my loss; it is not a story to elicit empathy or pity but, instead, a way to try and show how loss can help shape a person’s life. Only a week after I was born, my father, who was 30 years old, passed away unexpectedly. My mother was a widow at only 26 years old with two young children to raise, and she managed with great strength to help us all move forward. I don’t know much about my dad or what happened, but I never really asked; I have always pushed away the topic to avoid feeling sad or awkward. This was my way of coping, and I continued doing it for most of my life, even when my mom remarried.

           I have always tried to be a positive person on the outside and inside, which is one of the reasons I tried to avoid confrontation about my dad. I wouldn’t even ask my mom simple questions because I would rather be left not knowing than hurt by the truth. My mom thought I was too young to understand what had happened; she felt I didn’t even realize we were different from every other family, but even as a 6-year-old, I could tell I was missing something. When my mom remarried an amazing man and we moved away from our home, I stopped talking about it and rarely thought about it. 

           After moving cities a few times, my sister was born, and she had the most significant impact on my life. Meeting her and taking care of her completely changed my worldview; I was so appreciative of having her in my life. I realized she wouldn’t even be here if my dad hadn’t passed away. Not only would she not be here, but I wouldn’t have my other dad, whom I love and who has done so much for my brother and me to make us feel like we are his kids in every way, even by legally adopting us. I moved a lot as a child, and I would be upset every time I was forced to leave my friends and go to an entirely new school, but now I am grateful for every place I moved and person I met since they provided me with new experiences. 

Once I got to college, I established a friend group, had a long-term boyfriend, and had a life plan. I thought I had the world figured out. Everything changed my junior year when my family was going through hardships at home, and I was away. I was also going through a change of paths in school and my career, which was difficult for me to accept. This year proved to be extremely challenging for me, but instead of learning from my past, I chose to push it down and not talk about it. I finally hit my breaking point when my partner of nearly 6 years and I separated. Finally, I opened up to my friends and family about how hard the last year had been for me. I accepted the help I was offered, and my mom came up to stay with me for a few days. This was a big moment for me. I never spoke to anyone when I felt this way, so being able to be myself and vulnerable with my support group was such a relief. 

Now it’s been eight months, and I feel the best I have felt in a while. It’s refreshing to see myself happy again. I have gotten so close with my family and friends; I truly could not have done it without them. My friends, who helped me through this, are like family now. Being able to talk to them about things I never could before has brought me so much joy, and I wouldn’t change it for anything. I know that I would never give up what I have now to go back to what I had before, no matter how hard it was or what I lost to get here. This applies to every context of my life: relationships, school, and family. I have grown so much and love who I am. 

My life has been shaped, and my morals are defined by a father whom I never knew and a family who has helped and supported me unconditionally. I’m no longer afraid to talk about my life, even though it might make others around me uncomfortable. I continue to be a positive person and plan to have a positive attitude throughout my life. I am curious to see where life will take me next, but I know that whatever happens, it happened for a reason. 

Carolina B., Florida State University

Connect With Us

To follow IfYoureReadingThis at FSU on Instagram, get in touch with our chapter, and learn about more resources available to FSU students, visit our chapter’s homepage.

AUTHOR CONTACT

This author has opted to allow readers who resonate with their story to contact them. If you would like to speak to the author of this letter about their experience, please use the form below.