Carly A.
Photography by Jessica Pentel
Dear Reader,
Carly’s letter describes her personal journey with an Eating Disorder and we advise those who may be triggered by these topics to exercise caution when reading this letter. If you are struggling please reach out to our Peer Contacts or one of the resources listed on our Resources Page.
Sincerely, The IfYoureReadingThis Team
If you’re reading this, don’t be afraid to accept help, even if you think you don’t need it.
My entire life I have struggled to create a healthy relationship with food. At a young age, the introduction to calories in health class sent me spiraling, and for the majority of my life I have spent more time counting them than I have spent doing anything else.
My abnormal eating patterns became increasingly obvious as a middle schooler. When I was in 5th grade, I started to throw my meal away at lunch, only to assure my mom that I enjoyed what she was packing me. I was terrified to go over to anyone’s house in fear that I would be offered a snack that I had to accept to be polite. I missed out on birthdays and celebrations because I refused to go to a restaurant, something I still struggle with doing today. When I did eat, the food had to be made with specific ingredients and devoid of others.
Before I left for my first semester of college, I became particularly conscious of not only the foods I was eating but the volume as well. By the time I arrived at UVA, I had begun to spiral without even realizing it. With complete control over how often I ate and exactly what I consumed, I lost a lot of weight in the span of 1.5 months. When my mom came to visit in October of 2020, she begged me to come home, telling me with tears running down her face because she didn’t recognize who I had become. I eventually agreed, only to please her, but I had no intention of changing who I had become.
My eating disorder not only overtook my body, but it created a web of lies that I couldn’t escape from. Food was hidden in napkins, thrown away in secret places, or simply avoided at all costs. When my parents saw that I wasn’t getting better and found out I had been lying to them about eating, they scheduled me to meet with an eating disorder specialist, but I refused. I could not come to terms with the fact that I was sick, because to me I still did not look the way I wanted to. In reality, my body was shutting down. My heart rate was dangerously low, my vitals were concerning, and I was told that there was a 20% chance my heart could stop working at any given moment. Not only had my eating disorder overtaken my body, but it had impacted me mentally as well, and I was diagnosed with depression.
My parents pleaded for me to accept inpatient care, but I wanted to recover on my own. And that’s exactly what I did.
I wake up every morning and know that the hardest part of my day won’t be the studying I have to do... the hardest part is consistently creating a positive mindset when it comes to viewing food and my body. Even though I often struggle, I think of how lucky I am to have people in my corner who saw that something was wrong and intervened, even when I wouldn’t admit I needed help. My parents saved my life, and I can’t thank them enough. At college, we don’t have our parents, so we have to look out for one another. If you are struggling with any of these feelings or are fighting this battle, do not hesitate to reach out. I will always be in your corner.
Carly A., University of Virginia ‘24
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