Brooke W.

Photography by Ben Curry

If you’re reading this, know that healing is not linear.

“I just want to feel normal, but I’m not. And I never will be.” (14 years old)

“There’s been this feeling inside of me for the past few months and I don’t know what it is. It’s like this emptiness, this missing piece of me that I can’t find. I just feel numb.” (14 years old)

“I feel trapped, like this darkness has taken control of me, and I’m scared I’m never going to get control again.” (16 years old)

“Every day I wake up wanting to go back to sleep, dreading the day that is to come. Dreading my existence.” (19 years old)

I have been battling mental health issues for most of my life, and my healing process has been far from linear. I was always an anxious kid. I cared far too much about what people thought of me, and I struggled to embrace the good in my life because I believed I wasn’t worthy of it. When I reached middle school, I started experiencing sadness that I had never felt before. It wasn’t the type of sadness you feel when you watch a sad movie, or when you say goodbye to a friend. It was an emptiness that couldn’t be filled. All I felt was numb. I didn’t understand why I was feeling any of this but I convinced myself that whatever I was feeling was my fault. I didn’t reach out to anyone because I didn’t want to be a burden. I felt so alone and afraid and eventually felt so hopeless that I didn’t see myself having a future. I convinced myself that there was no other option than to try and take my own life. After this, I began to receive professional help, along with support from both my family and friends. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety and was medicated for both. 

I started high school on a high note. I had a diagnosis, I was medicated, and I regularly attended therapy. There were stretches of time when I felt normal again. However, every once in a while the depression would creep back in. I would feel on top of the world one week and then all of a sudden I would slip into a depression that I couldn’t explain. This made me feel more hopeless than ever, and I began to believe that I would never be able to experience a “normal” life. During my freshman year of college, I began to notice a pattern with my mental health, which led to my being diagnosed with Bipolar II Disorder. I would experience a period of “hypomania” for about 3 days, in which I would get around 3-4 hours of sleep a night, exercise for hours each day, and would feel extremely happy and energized. This was always immediately followed by me falling into a depression.

I initially had very mixed feelings about being diagnosed as bipolar. On one hand, it was a big relief to finally have something that explained why I feel the things I do. It has never been my fault, just my brain chemistry. On the other hand, it was scary being diagnosed with a chronic mental illness that I would have to live with for the rest of my life. However, I have come to realize that it is something I have already been living with for years with no idea why I was feeling these things, and with no resources to help manage my symptoms. Now that I have this diagnosis, I can get the treatments I need to live a better life, and I no longer have to feel alone. 

There is a lot of stigma surrounding mental illness. When my 7th-grade self was feeling depressed, I didn’t want to tell anyone because I didn’t want to be seen as a burden. In high school, I was cut off by a friend of 3 years who told me that I was too much for them and that their life was made worse by my mental illness. They made me believe once again that my mental health issues were my fault, and that I was nothing but a burden to others. Since I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder last year, I have been scared to tell people. I’ve been afraid that people wouldn’t see me for anything more than my illness. 

I will be dealing with my mental health for the rest of my life. I still have a long journey ahead of me, and I know that there will be many ups and downs, but I have come so far. I am far from that teenage girl who felt she could never live a normal life. Who believed that she would never feel anything but depressed. Who believed that everything she was feeling was her fault. I know that my illness is not my fault, and I’m proud of myself for everything I have overcome. I know that I may never lead a truly “normal” life, but normal is overrated. I know that I will experience depression, but I will also experience joy, love, excitement, gratitude, and appreciation for the life I am living. I know that I am so much more than my illness. If you’re reading this, know that you are so much more than anything you may be struggling with. You deserve to experience joy, love, excitement, gratitude, appreciation and so much more. You deserve to be here.

Brooke W., Colorado College

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