Anonymous

Photo by Kathryn Treacy

If you’re reading this, we accept the love we think we deserve. 

I have never lived an easy life. Trauma after trauma after trauma; it’s no surprise I was diagnosed with complex PTSD earlier this year. Looking back at it, I have lived most of my life alternating between an activated or depressive state. It’s something I wouldn’t wish on anyone. 

On some days, anything associated with any of my traumatic experiences is ignored, or at least I try my best to. On the days I can’t– when the nightmares and intrusive memories come back– everything seems like too much and too tiring. Some days, my trust issues scream.

My bones ache, my muscles are tense, my eyes burn. My heart hurts, yet sometimes, I feel extremely numb. 

I have been known as a bright person since I was very young. I’m able to mask very well to others, and I have been told numerous times that I carry my struggles well. This, alongside the way I was raised in a Hispanic household, created a permanent cycle of  “just keep going.” It served me well when it did, but a point came when this messaging began to harm me. 

From the ages of 7 to 20 years old, I was running a race with a broken leg. I was putting bandages on a bullet wound. But alas, I’m human, and eventually things only got worse. In the Spring of 2024, I decided to take a medical leave of absence from Boston College.

When mental illness and trauma is all you have ever known, healing can be scary. You grow so accustomed to it that all the sadness, anger, and grief become a part of your identity. Who was I without suffering? I couldn’t tell you then. 

At some point though, something inside of you snaps. For me, it was watching a movie where someone said, “We accept the love we think we deserve.” I thought about the little girl I once was. Would I treat her this way? Would I allow others to treat her the way I’ve been treated?

The little girl inside of me was crying out and I was finally hearing it. 

Eventually, I found a trauma-informed therapist and we started to work together. I still see her now. Some days it’s easy, some days are harder. We’re human, we are allowed to feel sadness, anger, and joy, but there’s a balance. We cannot stay in one emotion forever. I learned that there is nothing in this world you can control other than yourself and your actions. I have seen evilness in this world, I have experienced horrible things, and have felt the world ending numerous times– yet I choose to be good. I choose to wake up and work towards a better self. I choose the people I allow in my life. I choose to heal. Not just for me, but the little girl inside me. 

If you’re reading this, I thank myself. I thank the little girl inside of me who kept going. I thank the 15 year old me who tried her very best. I thank myself now, who is healing the 7 year old, the 15 year old, and the 20 year old, slowly but surely. 

If you’re reading this, here is a reminder to thank yourself.

Anonymous, Boston College