Bayla H.
Photography by Mina Derebail
Dear Reader,
Bayla’s letter describes her personal journey with suicidal ideation. We advise those who may be triggered by this topic to exercise caution when reading this letter. If you are struggling please reach out to one of the resources listed on our Resources Page.
Sincerely, The Georgetown University IfYoureReadingThis Team
If you’re reading this, stay.
Sometimes it’s hard to see the value of your life in the face of overwhelming struggles. It’s hard to push through when all you see is darkness and all you feel is worthlessness. Sometimes you can’t even feel anything or put a reason to the pain. In these moments, know that you are not alone and your life means so much to so many people.
For a majority of my life growing up I had unexplainable anxiety, unexplainable periods of immense darkness, uncontrollable outbursts, and wishes to create the end. I vividly remember being a freshman in high school, at my wits end, keeping my emotions inside and letting them build up. I wanted to tell someone but I didn’t think anyone would understand. I devised a plan and was one breath away from going through with it, but before I could I thought about the hurt it would cause my family and dropped to my knees sobbing.
This happened many more times, except with myself preparing different methods. Pills, rope, drowning myself, jumping off a building, wishing I had access to a gun, walking alone in Georgetown late at night in hopes of someone abducting me. Once I told my mom, she got me a therapist. Once I told my highschool boyfriend, he encouraged me to go on meds. Once my friends found me wandering, they embraced me and encouraged me to get help.
The last time I felt this way was the beginning of my sophomore year of college. I had outbursts, I felt the need to drown myself in male attention, and I couldn’t control my urges to harm myself. I went to the Medstar emergency room because I did not feel safe left alone with myself. There, a person was instructed to watch me the whole time I lay in the bed as I waited for the doctor to ensure I didn’t harm myself. I was so close to admitting myself but was too scared of what everyone would think of me. I made my friends promise they would never tell anyone. My mom rushed to campus to be with me.
After reaching out to a million overbooked therapists and being placed on many waiting lists, I finally started a new medicine and a new therapist. It stabilized me and my life has been beautiful ever since.
I saw Harry Styles in NYC with my best friends. I turned 20. I celebrated Christmas with my family. I nannied kids that I love. I went on spring break with my friends. I ran a half marathon. I finished my sophomore year. I got an internship. I went on my yearly beach trip with my best friend. I went abroad to Ireland. I traveled to so many countries. I turned 21. I went on another spring break. I finished my junior year. I moved into my senior house. I applied for my first job. None of this would’ve happened if I didn’t choose to stay.
Everything will get better. Everything happens for a reason. Everything will make you stronger. Don’t be scared to ask the people around you for help, you are not a burden.
Please choose to stay.
Bayla Huff, Georgetown University
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