Araba A.
Photography by Nia E. Jones
If you’re reading this, I am proud of you.
Seriously, I am so proud of you! I hope this letter provides some comfort and encouragement for you if you feel like you are hanging on by a thread. As someone who battles mental illnesses, I, too, have wanted so badly to put an end to my pain and suffering. I often felt that giving up was the only way to free myself from emotional captivity. Depression is an illness that corrupted my mind and left me feeling confined to the depths of darkness I never thought that I could find. It led to feelings of hopelessness, emptiness, and powerlessness in every situation, and I had no desire to continue the fight.
For so long, I pushed my emotions aside to get through the days and painted a smile on my face to seem fine to others while I silently resisted the urges to hurt myself. The inability to express and manage what I felt was terribly exhausting, so I turned my body into a canvas of expression for my awful mind of depression. It became my way of releasing my emotions each time I was spiraling out of control. But I could only do that for so long until I snapped and could no longer find a reason to stay alive. Following my attempt to end my life, I spent some time in an inpatient psychiatric facility, began therapy, and started taking medication for my mental health.
Suicide is a real issue that doesn’t make sense to many people until someone close to them is gone or until the wrecking ideations haunt them at the crack of dawn. It is a tragedy that happens when mental health challenges are invalidated and left untreated. Even though I was surrounded by people that could help, I still said I was fine when I wasn’t because I wanted to believe that I could heal on my own. I rejected help because I felt undeserving, weak, and burdensome to those around me. Looking back, I can understand why I felt that way but now, I know that my heavy thoughts and emotions distorted my reality. I wish I had realized sooner that I was (and still am) worthy of receiving help.
One of the hardest things I am learning to accept is that recovery isn't linear. I’ve never liked the idea of this because it just seems so daunting, but it’s true. Still, I struggle and must remind myself that a slip up doesn't mean I have failed. But now, I also know how to get myself through recurrent depressive episodes and know that there are joys in life that I can look forward to. I don't necessarily think there is a grand purpose for my experiences with mental health challenges, but through some of it, I have been able to find my passions, connect with wonderful people, learn valuable lessons, and set intentions for my life. I have made it this far. You have made it this far, too. But you didn't make it this far to only make it to this point. This is not the end. You have to stick around to see how it all plays out. Remember that it is okay to not know what you feel, it is okay to break down, it is okay to be vulnerable, it is okay if you need medication to function, and it is okay to not be okay. You are still here. Your struggles neither define you nor dictate what you can accomplish so be easy on yourself, okay? Do everything at your own pace. One step at a time. One day at a time.
Again, if you are reading this, know that I am proud of you and I hope you are, too. You didn’t give up. You are still here. You’ve already won. Continue to hold on to the things in life that fill you with enthusiasm, stability, and hope. Admitting to both yourself and someone else that you need some help won’t be easy. It also took me a while to accept the help that I needed but it is necessary so that you can be heard, supported, and know that you are not alone amid suffering. So, if you are ready and need to, please reach out to someone.
Araba A., Virginia Commonwealth University
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