Anita B.
Photography by Ashley Kung
If you’re reading this, you deserve to be held, you deserve to be loved.
That week in late October, I noticed every single detail around me. The way the moon lingered in the early morning as I waited for the bus to get to campus. How the necklace I've been wearing since the summer before I started college sat on my collarbones. And how the beads of sweat from my forehead fell onto my yoga mat during the heated yoga classes I took as the sun set outside and my homework continued to pile up.
I know how it feels to notice every detail and realize that even the most mundane moments and interactions are important. That all of these little details and people, even the ones you may have never noticed, contribute to the ebb and flow of the universe. I also know how it feels to think that in this moment you are the one, and only thing, that is excluded from the narrative of importance and significance.
In this and every moment, know that you are not alone when your mind convinces you that you have little purpose in the everyday flow of the world. You are not alone in the feeling of being invisible in a room filled with people as your brain races with thoughts that say you don’t deserve to take up space. You are not alone in the feeling of watching your goals – a chance you have to make an impact on the world – slip away. I know how it feels to believe that you’re not smart enough, thin enough, or worthy enough to have your own story. And I hope you know that your thoughts are not facts, that you are enough as you are right now.
There have been moments in my life where thoughts like this have become overwhelming and a source of disconnection – disconnection from the things that mattered most, disconnection from the everyday interactions in my daily life, and disconnection from the vastness of love that exists in this world.
That late October, the tasks that were second nature to me felt different. The five minute walk across campus to attend my next lecture seemed daunting and the growing to-do list I had to complete before 11:59 pm felt paralyzing. It felt like the sun would never rise again, like the rain clouds would never dissipate. But in these periods when everything seems like too much, what matters most is your continued effort to see the light at the end of the storm. You have to believe that even when the next moment seems impossible, you are worth the effort, you are worth every sunrise and every sunset. You are worth the fight because the only way out is through – one breath at a time, one step at a time, one day at a time.
During this time, I poured my focus into my yoga practice and found that sense of connection I was so deeply longing for. I found a community that took me in with open arms, that made me feel like I was enough, and that gave me friends and mentors to look up to and reach out to. In this space, I felt the chatter in my head of trying to make myself smaller to find value and worth begin to quiet. I found a feeling of family, wholehearted love, support, and true connection in the most unexpected place – Gainesville, Florida. I wanted nothing more than to share that magic with others and decided to complete my 200 hour yoga teacher training. Little did I know how impactful these next three months of training would be.
Our culture has created a stigmatized narrative around being vulnerable. This false narrative notes that experiencing hardships makes us weak, that opening up makes us a burden, and that not being able to push through alone makes us not strong enough. I know how it feels to wholeheartedly subscribe to this idea and believe that you could carry on forever without voicing the struggles you are facing. Most of all, I know how it feels when every sunrise seems out of reach, when each step feels heavier, and when each breath gets harder.
It wasn’t until I heard this quote that I realized the faults in the belief system that was engraved in me.
“You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.” (Max Ehrmann, author of Desiderata).
The first time I heard this, hairs on my arms stood. Suddenly, I realized I was exactly where I needed to be. More than anything, I knew that accepting the love and support the universe has to offer were the things I needed the most to continue on.
That Wednesday night in the middle of a Florida fall is something I will forever be grateful for. The basis of a new belief system was planted into my soul as I cried into my mentor’s arms on the cold floor of the yoga studio after she asked if I was okay.
In moments like this, I know how it feels to pretend that everything is fine and carry on. But when I realized that I could no longer hold on to more, I knew she cared, I knew she wanted me to be okay, and most of all, I knew she understood. To her, it didn’t matter that I didn’t know much about her or if she barely knew anything about me. Very quickly, I realized that getting through hardships is something that you can not do alone. Please know that you too are cared for, loved, and understood by every living soul.
You deserve to be here. And the only way out is through, the only way out is love, the only way out is by letting yourself be held.
Science has shown time and time again that connection is a basic human need. I know how incredibly hard it can be to reach out, but I also know that the way to see the light at the end of the tunnel and continue to go on every day is by letting yourself be loved, by letting yourself be heard, and by letting yourself be cared for. You are never a burden or bother. You are not weak for experiencing hardships. This is a part of being human, you matter so much.
Spaces in my community that foster infinite amounts of love and light have taught me that you shouldn’t make yourself and what you have to offer smaller in order to be included in the narrative that contributes to the never-ending capacities of the world. Let people hold you through every night sky and every orbit.
If you’re reading this, you deserve to be held, you deserve to be loved. You matter in this human experience as much as the sun matters to the moon, the stars to the night sky, and the rings to saturn. One breath at a time, one step at a time, one day at a time, I hope you know that your story is one that is worth holding onto. Through love and connection, you deserve to love this life again.
If you’re reading this, you deserve to be held, you deserve to be loved, you deserve to love this life again.
Anita B., University of Florida
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