Vivian D.
Photography by Gabriele Barrocas
If you’re reading this, you’re right where you're supposed to be.
Like many other Vanderbilt students, I was great at school. In first grade I was reading fourth-grade books, in middle school I was two grade levels ahead in math. I was always on track. In fact, I was always ahead of the track. I always knew what my next step was going to be and how to take the straightest path from point A to point B to get where I needed to go.
I was so used to being ahead of the curve that I became absolutely obsessed with the idea of doing the “right” thing at the exact “right” time. I was terrified of falling behind and what the consequences for my life would be. In high school, I was consumed with the idea of the perfect school in the perfect place and I didn’t sleep for weeks thinking about where I’d end up for the next four years.
When I came to Vanderbilt, I became intoxicated with the idea that if I worked hard enough everything I wanted would happen for me. And while it was incredibly inspiring, it was equally paralyzing. I found myself agonizing over simple things like which classes to take the next semester, terrified to waste precious time that I thought I would never get back. I was terrified to make a false move, step on a landmine, and blow up the perfect life I had envisioned for myself.
To be honest, I still have these thoughts everyday. But I now know that it’s a symptom of anxiety: doom-spiraling, catastrophizing, things I’ve worked on with my therapist for years. Recognizing the behavior is the first step to stopping it. When it begins to consume me, I try to remind myself that life is long and that I’m lucky to have it. The world extends out in front of me, but it’s not as unforgiving as I make it out to be. Things happen, life changes, and plans do too. I can handle change. I can change.
I hope you know there is no such thing as falling behind. Your path will not be the same as your neighbors and there is always value in taking the scenic route. If you follow the carved path looking only straight ahead you’ll miss all the opportunities that could come your way. It’s okay to not know it all right now because one day you will. If you’re reading this, know that there is no rush and that you are in the right place at the right time. There is nowhere else you need to be.
Vivian D., Vanderbilt University
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