Vinee V.
Photography by Pop & Zebra
If you’re reading this - it will all work out.
What if I told you that your future self is going to be so proud of you? What if I told you that regardless of whatever you are going through right now, your future self is going to be so grateful that you made it through. I know that sometimes it gets difficult to believe in goodness. Those days that you have to fake a smile on your face, just to come home to your thoughts racing through your mind as the tears flow down. Those days where you have to fight to turn that loss into a lesson. Trust me, doing life is so isolating at times. I have wondered so many times what it is that I did to deserve the obstacles I face. I have wondered when will I finally be happy?
But then I realized that happiness is knowing you are doing what you can with what you are given. Happiness is not having the best of everything, it is making the best of everything. Growing up my parents got divorced at a very young age, and my mom and I never had the best relationship. I envied my classmates because when I went over for sleepovers their moms showed me what I never had with mine. Then as I got to high school, my ignorant teenage self would constantly pick fights with my mom, hence hindering our relationship even further. I had convinced myself that my mom didn’t even love me, that I never got the “white picket fence” family. If I couldn’t make my mom happy, how would anyone ever love me?
Most likely, I am the one that my mom loves the most in the world - I was just too immature to realize. I was fixated on the idea that I will be happy when someone loves me. But how could someone love me, if I didn’t even love myself at the time. This led to the development of the most unhealthiest version of myself, mentally and physically.
Then college came around, and the guy I had a crush on since I was 16 finally asked me to be his girlfriend. All else was good in the world. I finally found the thing that was going to make me happy. I had done it! But after two years of loving someone more than I loved myself, I was dumped over the phone. My whole world turned upside down, and the cherry on top was finding out he got a girlfriend short after. The breakup happened around the time I started studying for the MCAT, and man oh man I just wanted to give up. I had thought I wasn’t capable of doing it. According to a study on heartbreak from 2013, social rejection and physical pain activate the same brain regions. So when you feel "hurt" from rejection, it's not just a metaphor - your brain perceives it as real physical pain. The rush of emotions and confusion definitely did not help me in any way, and soon enough that cycle of thoughts from my childhood started racing my mind. However, I am proud that this time I was able to break the cycle. That breakup was the best thing that happened to me in 2023.
I feel so blessed to have the family and friends I have because they are the ones who guided me to become the version of myself that I am right now. Change is difficult - the desire to change has to come from within yourself. One night, as I shoved Tillamook ice cream down my throat, each bite getting saltier by my tears, I thought am I really going to let one heartbreak change the trajectory of my life. Is complaining and being sad the solution? No, it’s not. And I thought about younger me, who went through much more at a younger age and made it through. She didn’t stop being herself as she fell asleep to the screaming sounds of her parents fights. She didn’t stop showing kindness, when at home all she ever knew was aggression. To emphasize, the way I am is because of the love and kindness my mom showed me growing up. I didn’t realize it as a kid, but she has always tried to give me the best with the little she had. I think as kids we forget that our parents are young and figuring it out too. The way I am is because my grandparents raised me with so much affection. The way I am is because my aunt and cousins gave me such a strong mindset at a young age, and for me to throw all away because of a boy is quite silly. Happiness really does come from within, but it all begins when you love yourself. Relationships should only ever compliment you, not complete you. And when I started taking care of myself (more so my inner child), happiness started to radiate within myself.
I know it is easier said than done, but you have to trust that you can do it and it will all work out. When you stop seeking joy from others, you realize there is so much more to life than chasing happiness because it is always within you. So whatever it is you are going through right now, I know you will get through it. You deserve endless joy, and I hope you experience it all. I am so proud of you for waking up today, and choosing to get through everything life throws at you.
I am so proud of you because your future self is so proud of you.
With love,
Vinee V., Virginia Commonwealth University
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