Sasha J.
Photography by Aneesa Wermers
If you’re reading this, you’ll feel connected to yourself again.
Lately, the girl who stares back at me in the mirror has worn an unfamiliar face. More days than not, her face is wrinkled with stress and her eyes are wet with budding tears. Her nails are adorned with ripped skin from constant biting and her face is dotted with acne. She isn’t the same girl I saw in the mirror in August. She’s far from the same girl I saw growing up.
This semester has left me questioning a lot of things I thought I knew about myself. Truthfully, I no longer feel smart or capable or confident in the way that I did just a few months ago. The girl my mom sent off for her sophomore year of college got A’s in all her classes, excelled in her extracurriculars, and spoke her mind unapologetically. She was confident and she was unwaveringly true to herself. She was the strong woman her mom raised her to be.
These days, I find it difficult to feel connected to this version of myself. I no longer excel in the things I once thought myself to be good at. I don't seem to stand out in my courses. I’ve disconnected from friends and family in the same way that I have with myself. I’m lost.
Originally, I wanted to start this letter by saying that you would find yourself again. However, there is no need to find what was never lost. You may feel a bit disconnected from the version of yourself you’d grown accustomed to, but that doesn’t mean you’ve lost your identity. At a place like BC, I think that more students relate to this feeling of disconnection than would likely care to admit. Even beyond the usual imposter syndrome which overwhelms many students at prestigious universities, the social scene at BC can be… trying.
It’s ok to admit this. It’s ok to struggle and to be open and honest about those struggles. For the majority of this semester, I kept my struggles to myself. I would give my mom bits and pieces of information over the phone and tell my friends that I had had a bad day, but the conversations rarely went beyond this. When I felt most capable of reconnecting with myself was when I began to tell people what was actually going on in my life. I know this vulnerability can be hard and overwhelming, but it is so worth the initial worry. The people around you want to see you be well. Let them help you or at least listen to your concerns. Let yourself be loved and heard.
As overwhelming as these past couple of months have been, I know that the girl I once knew is still inside me. Though I feel disconnected from certain aspects of my identity, I am still the strong woman I have known myself to be, even if I have a hard time seeing this truth some days. I’ve maintained my love for yellow flowers and still repulse at the thought of drinking a green smoothie. I’m still empathetic and kind to others, even if I’ve struggled to show myself that same kindness. I continue to stand up for good and speak my mind, even if my voice shakes.
I know that someday soon I will start to show myself that kindness again and my voice will cease to shake. That girl may be hiding behind a worried face, but she is still there. I know that I will probably feel disconnected from her again someday. The tides will get choppy and the water will overwhelm me. Some days I will feel like I am drowning. Other days I will ride the waves with glee. I eagerly await the good surf, but I trust that I am capable of handling the storm. You are too.
Sasha J., Boston College
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