Sarah P.
Photography by Jessica Pentel
If you’re reading this, it’s okay to miss home.
I’ve never known a love as unconditional and unwavering as the love that my family has given me. My mom, dad, brother, and grandparents have always been there cheering me on at my highest highs and holding me through my lowest lows — always believing in me when I didn’t believe in myself. So when I decided to move over 2,500 miles away from California — from them — to come to UVA in 2018, I couldn’t grasp what that reality would look like. I didn’t know a life without my people right beside me.
My first semester at UVA was, undoubtedly, the darkest time period in my entire life. For the first time ever, I wasn’t even remotely near any family and I was forcing myself to take classes for something that I quickly learned I wasn’t passionate about. With these heavy burdens weighing on me, along with many others, my motivation dwindled throughout the semester and was practically nonexistent by the time December rolled around.
During times when I was struggling the most, I felt like I had to put on a facade and pretend that everything was okay. Everyone else seemed fine and from what little I heard, people weren’t struggling in their classes, they didn’t miss their family, and they weren’t completely miserable. I felt like I couldn’t relate to anyone in that sense and despite being surrounded by some genuinely incredible friends, I felt alone. So alone that, at times, I considered transferring to another college without telling anybody.
What primarily stopped me from doing that was an irrational fear of being considered a disappointment. Looking back, nobody in my life would have labeled me that and if they did, that would’ve said more about them than it did me. I had unfortunately succumbed to a classic ideology — that if my path deviated, I would be a failure. That couldn’t be further from the truth.
After I got home for winter break following the conclusion of my first semester, my grades appeared on SIS and as a result, I was placed on academic probation. I was deeply ashamed of this for a very, very long time. Even today, I think I’ve only admitted that to a few people. Now, thankfully, I don’t feel the embarrassment that I once did when talking about it. But in that moment and for years after, I was mortified. It also didn’t help that I had conversations with individuals who would make insensitive comments about the matter. They would ask things like, “how hard is it to pass one class?” and “how stupid do you have to be to go on academic probation?” I knew, deep down, that I wasn’t stupid and that they were just being insensitive and self-centered, but my own self-awareness wasn’t enough of a pain reliever to ease the sting of such hurtful words.
Things got a lot better during the spring. I didn’t continue taking classes in the major I originally intended, I made more friends, I explored Grounds and Charlottesville more, and I got a really exciting internship opportunity. I was motivated every day by a poem that my mom sent me a copy of in the mail — “All the Hemispheres” by Hafiz. The first line reads, “Leave the familiar for a while” – a simple, six-word sentence that still manages to pull tears from my eyes today.
This poem stayed up on my corkboard all semester, right next to my designated “countdown to home” sticky note that I diligently checked every single day. So as much as things were on the up-and-up in my life, I still wanted to be home. It took me some time to realize that that’s the thing about homesickness — it doesn’t really go away.
When people learned where I was from, they would almost immediately ask why I left California to come to Virginia. I found myself wondering the same thing — why did I leave?
My answer was, and still usually is, some variation of, “I wanted to do something different. I grew up in California and wanted to go to some other place, so I applied to a bunch of schools and UVA was the best option.” And that’s true. But in all honesty, I moved away because I didn’t know how much I valued my family and I didn’t appreciate home as much as I should have. I really didn’t know what I had until it was gone — well, until it was 2,500 miles away.
As I’m in my final semester now, I find myself answering a different question from family members, friends, and strangers alike — are you glad you came to UVA? Based on what you’ve read in this letter so far, it might not seem like it. That also couldn’t be further from the truth.
Despite the many occasions I spent on the phone crying to my parents and the classes I didn’t pass and the amount of times the words “I’m okay, I just miss home” came out of my mouth, I am so glad that I left.
Everything negative or positive that I’ve experienced at UVA these last few years has shaped me into a much stronger person than I ever would’ve been if things had gone differently. I’ve learned that it’s okay to ruminate in my own thoughts and feelings. I’ve become a much more sympathetic and understanding person. I’ve proven to myself that I can push through when the going gets tough. Most of all, I’ve realized how important it is to cherish and value the people in my life — both near and far. Without leaving home, I don’t think I would’ve grown this much, and I certainly wouldn’t have understood that it is, in fact, okay to miss home.
Sarah P., University of Virginia ‘22
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