Olivia H.

Photography by Jessica Pentel

 If you’re reading this, you are real and the world around you is real.

The month I turned 19, I had my first “out-of-body” experience. I would describe it as watching myself from above, but there were no words to describe it. I still cannot describe this sensation over a year later. Ordinary language could never explain the unnatural things that were beginning to happen to me. At this point in my life, I recognized that I had been through trauma, which I previously denied, and I could pinpoint some of my triggers. When I first watched myself from above, I knew that I was in a possibly triggering situation. At the time, I felt unsafe. However, I had never experienced this before and was unsure if those two were connected. The feeling of watching a movie through my own eyes, of my own life, was confusing and concerning.

This occurred a few more times throughout the next year until I began to notice other odd thoughts and feelings. I was looking in the mirror, but I could not recognize the person standing there. I did not know who I was. Was I even real? Was the world around me real? I would look in the mirror and ask myself, “Is this ‘me’?” What exactly is ‘me’? Who was this person in the photos on my wall? I no longer felt emotional ties to my memories. Suddenly I would realize hours had gone by, and I was unable to remember what happened. How did three hours go by? What did I do for those three hours? I started to question the reality of the people and things in my life. My thoughts felt fragmented most days. I was losing my sense of self-identity, losing my grasp of the world around me, and I was beginning to float through my days.

I was frightened, ashamed, and I wanted to isolate myself. I felt like my life did not matter; in fact, nothing mattered to me anymore. Why would anything matter to me if nothing felt real? Why would I care about myself if I did not feel real? I was utterly lost in my own mind and in life. I was grasping for connections to anything but was continually falling short. I could not feel anymore. I thought this numbness would last forever.

However, I began to research my symptoms. My first google searches were “Why can’t I recognize myself?” and “Why does nothing feel real?” I started to read about different terms and disorders. Finally, I accepted that I probably needed help, and it was okay to ask for more help.

After finally being open and honest with my psychologist, I would find out that I was experiencing derealization, depersonalization, and dissociation. My body was choosing to not feel to deal with stressors or triggers.

Looking back now, I wish I had not waited so long. I tormented myself by denying the help that was right in front of me. Going to my psychologist allowed me to learn many useful exercises. I was able to educate myself about what was happening in my head. I had no control over my thoughts for so long, but education is power, and it gave me a sense of control. 

Since then, I have made some huge adjustments in my life. I adopted an Emotional Support Animal, an eight-year-old shelter dog. Walter makes it all seem a little bit more real for me. He is a huge source of “feeling” in my life. I would never have understood what I was going through had I not reached out for help. Although I am not cured or healed, I am on a path to healing, and small steps matter. 

Derealization, depersonalization, and dissociation can all be reactions to things like trauma like they were for me, but they can also be disorders. If you or someone you know is experiencing these symptoms, please seek help or assist them in seeking help. These feelings are frightening and isolating, but you are not alone. 

If you are reading this, I hope you know that even if you question it and even if it does not feel like it, you are real.

Olivia H., University of Virginia

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